A late night romp

A video of my pups romping out back tonight.

World AIDS Day

Yesterday was World AIDS Day. Even being a gay man, I can't say I've ever known someone that died from AIDS related causes. However it is ever present in the community. And being the age I am, I grew up with the onset and spread of this plague. I knew it in its early days when it was ravaging communities and cities and people were terrified and AIDS was a sure death sentence.

Today, it is manageable. Not pretty by any means, but manageable to a point, but with vicious side effects.

In other parts of the world AIDS ravages entire populations almost unchecked. Two million died in Africa this past year alone as a result of AIDS.

So we give pause today to remember. Here is a video about the AIDS quilt, remembering some of the victims of AIDS in this country.

God be with us.

Solitude

Tonight I went for a late jog. Not having a set schedule affords me the luxury of being able to set my own. So I have found myself becoming more and more of a nightowl. I prefer that time of day. Maybe I have a little vampire in me? I don't know.

So tonight I went for a jog a little after 10. Ten o clock on a chilly Sunday night pretty much guarantees a great deal of quietness and solitude. It was great. As I was jogging I took notice of the night sky, it was very clear tonight. I stopped about midway through my run and just looked up at the sky. The stars were very clear tonight. I've never been a fan of knowing the constellations, it kind of seems abstract to me. But I know a few. Orion's Belt always stands out to me. I saw it tonight. I do like being able to pick it out, along with the Big Dipper. And I can usually spot Venus, sometimes Jupiter.

I don't know the entire history of how the mapping of constellations came to be. I know they were used for navigation by sailors. And a part of me likes to think that people long ago were trying to make some kind of order out of chaos. Trying to structure the stars to fit some kind of understanding they could hold on to.

I was reminded of how God makes me, and everyone, make some sense of order in our lives amid the chaos that is human existence. For me, I have had some sense of chaos recently. Not tragic happenings, not anything that cannot be overcome by any means. But still, for me, some jarring losses and transitions that I still seem to struggle to overcome.

But God is present always to help make sense of it all.

Tonight I had a great bit of solitude while out jogging. But I also felt exposed to the universe, running underneath the naked night sky. So I also felt joined with, well, with God, with other people, I don't know. But in my solitude I knew I wasn't alone.

All is well.

Prayer markers

Ok, I lied about not being inspired to write tonight.

Today (well, technically for me yesterday at this point) was the last day before Advent. This Sunday is the first Sunday of Advent.

It signals many things but the one thing that was very obvious tonight was the need to switch and update my prayer books.

The Daily Office books of the Episcopal Church are in two, they go in cycles, one for one year, then alternate to the other. It has to do with the scriptural readings, so that the important readings of the Bible are read over the course of two years.

So tonight I had to put one prayer book away and pick up the one I hadn't used since last November/December. I noticed my marking was still on the last Saturday before Advent for last year.

A marker in time. I looked back to my life at that time last year. Some good, some bad. But the point is, it is a chance to reflect on a moment in time. Not just a moment in time for prayer and my life in the church, but it reminds me of my life at that time last year. A simple ribbon marker being moved in a prayer book tells of a life, a life in transition.

So as I moved my ribbon markers on my Daily Office books and my monastic books, it spoke to me that life continues, it goes on. Bad things happen. Good things happen. But life progresses. The ribbon markers of our lives continue to move

Some Xmas decorations

I felt like adding something to the blog tonight but am not feeling inspired to actually write anything. So here is a picture of some Christmas crafts/decorations my niece made for me.

Giving thanks

A very nice Thanksgiving and birthday. Fairly low key. I was able to spend most of the day with my parents, sister, niece and others. Everything went really well, no drama at all unlike some other people's Thanksgiving experiences.

It made me so incredibly thankful for the family I have. It is really incredible the amount of love and support that surrounds me and uplifts me, especially in these days when I am facing some of the hardest times of my life.

Thanks be to God.

Kung Fu

I went back to my martial arts class tonight. I had stopped going back in the summer due to stress and then when I found out I was going to be laid off, well, it didn't seem prudent to spend money on anything extra.

But my instructor offered me a deal, free classes in exchange for helping him market his school. I of course gladly accepted.

In times of crisis you really see the true side of people, hopefully it is a good side more often than not.

Being able to start up my training again is a huge blessing. Tonight was just great. I felt right back at home again.

The training definitely helps with my mental as well as physical well being. I thought I had been staying in shape, I certainly didn't feel like it after about 30 minutes.

What great fun. I am so thankful to have this in my life.

My birthday dinner

Today my ex-partner called and invited me to a late lunch to celebrate my birthday. While I was surprised, on some level I wasn't. Regardless, it was something he didn't have to do.

Because of my schedule, mainly dealing with the unemployment office, the late lunch ended up being an early dinner.

He almost kept apologizing for not doing more. I was well, humbled. For all that has passed between us for him to pretty much feel obligated to still honor my birthday, well. I'm not quite sure what to think.

It was a perfectly fine meal, appetizers, wine, we ordered our actual dinner to go. And that was it.

He stopped at my place for a bit. We watched tv, had a drink and he went home.

I think my confusion has been taken up a notch.

A parishioner I visit

A parishioner I visit at my current placement site was admitted to the cancer ward at the local university hospital.

He was homebound, having suffered first years ago from a massive stroke from which he had to relearn almost every single, simple function of life. And once he did that and was on his feet and living on his own and independent, well then, he was struck with what is turning out to be terminal cancer.

I have prayed for him and with him. The incredible thing is, his spirit has not broken. Not one bit.

His hope lives on. I don't know if due to his previous condition of dealing with the massive stroke he is able to comprehend what is really going on. But you know what? So what?

He lives, he has spirit and is fighting. This latest setback is pretty big and I have yet to process it myself.

I know in my visits with him, he has given me more than I could possibly give him. I know God is with him right now.

I pray.

I hope.

And in the end, God is with him and with us all.

My heart is heavy regardless.

C.S. Lewis

Yesterday was the feast day of C.S. Lewis. His theology is famous, his tales of Narnia even moreso. I am especially fond of the Narnia tales having grown up with them.

I found this fun video (I tried to imbed it but youtube wouldn't let me):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LizIC6tHNRY

Enjoy.

Cats in Hawaii

Tomorrow (well, actually later today) UK takes on Oklahoma in the Maui Classic. The first true test of all of our new freshman talent.

http://www.mauiinvitational.com/index.asp

A lot of stuff to filter tonight

Tonight my ex-partner invited me over to hang out, have dinner and celebrate a mutual friends 50th birthday. Along with her husband and another gay couple. These are all people I met through him but by virtue of knowing them for several years at this point, I consider them friends as well.

My ex-partner and I have hung out several times over the last few weeks and months. We seem to get along well as friends, especially if we are having a glass of wine or two. Tonight was no exception. And there have been occasions when there was one, sometimes two other people present that were originally friends of his, and over the years came to know us as a couple.

Tonight the dynamic was different. I felt uncomfortable the entire time, not because of anything anyone said or anything anyone did. I just felt weird. I love these people. One of them I haven't seen since my breakup, the other three I've only seen once. I have missed them terribly and wanted to know how they’ve been and what is going on in their lives. But I couldn't help thinking what they were thinking, why was I there? Does my ex-partner still want me around? Do I still want to be around? Why did we breakup? And maybe, hopefully, they weren't thinking of any of that. I hope they were glad to see me. I was certainly ecstatic to see them. I hope we were able to share some moments together.

In the lifetime of a person so much passes. Friends, emotions, hurt feelings, disappointments, loves lost and gained, highs, lows, accomplishments, failures. That list isn't even close to complete.

As the night drew closer and closer to an end, I found myself at the dinner table with two of these friends. My ex-partner and two others had gone to the basement to listen to music.

I found myself growing distant from their conversation. I think it was the moment. I don't have much in common at all with these friends when it comes to work. And they aren't church going people. So when they start talking shop and mutual clients I listen. I enjoy their stories, they are funny people. But this was different, I just felt like I was drifting away.

Then we all moved to the basement to partake in the rest of the festivities. I found myself playing with my dogs (that I share with my ex-partner). I felt withdrawn, certainly a moment of sadness. A reminder of the loss, what I miss, what I don't miss, the traits of a person I still love, the person I can never see myself with again, but yet still mourn what has passed.

I played with the dogs for quite a bit, I had kept them the night before but I treasure any chance I get to spend time with them.

But I eventually snuck out. Perhaps the proper thing would have been to say my goodbyes to friends I had longed so much to see. But this get together wasn't about me. They were having a good time, and I felt it was time for me to leave. I will see them again. I will see my ex-partner again, probably soon, will probably talk to him tomorrow. And I look forward to that. Only because I still want him in my life as a friend. To some that may seem crazy and I think it is on some level. But it is purely a friendship. And it is a friendship I like having. Does it hurt at times? Does it remind me of a whole host of things? Yes and yes. But, I know I, and he, are better off. It's a confusing time I guess. Perhaps I'm rambling. But we seem to be linked. This is painful for me to think, say and write, but my discernment process is fresher and healthier as a single person.

I cannot go back to what was, only look ahead to what can be. And that brings me to this. As we sat around the dinner table tonight, after dinner, coconut cream pie and a birthday toast of champagne, the birthday girl lamented about not having enough of a lifetime to do everything she wanted to. Not enough time to be all the different things she is interested in, archaeologist, writer, doctor, even a hotel maid, Peace Corps, whatever. And not enough time to learn everything she wanted to learn. And to his credit, my ex-partner kept asking, why not? You still have years, plenty of years hopefully, have a dream and do it. Now, I wish his sentiments would have held true concerning my discernment, but still, I appreciated his reactions to her statements.

And as we all went around the table discussing our hopes and dreams for ourselves for our future years, it all came down to wanting to do something to help humanity and serve the greater good.

I became lost in a sea of emotions and thoughts. As much as I've questioned my call over the last few weeks, this moment smacked the crap out of me. I am in a process, on a path to do something that I not only love but feel called by God to do. Why in hell do I question that? How $#&%^ing stupid can I be? This is my time. I haven't had fear before, why now?

It gave me some much needed courage.

I don't know where this path will lead me to be honest. I have been completely ok with that for a long time. I love the mystery this process brings and certainly the joy as well. I am finding that mystery again. I think I am once again ok with the knowledge that I really don't know what is going to happen. I know my call continues and feel I am headed towards ordained ministry. But I also know I am going to be ok regardless.

Right now I can only think of two things.

Peace.

Thanks be to God.

Benediction for Obama's Inaugural by the Reverend Dr. Lowery

No matter what has happened or will happen with Obama's presidency, or what we expected and hoped for and what has been delivered, there is still that magical moment in time when all was right with the world and we were in awe.

Michael Vick

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/40207194/ns/sports-nfl/

Just watching Michael Vick makes me sick. How can someone like this become a sports hero again? In my opinion his sports career should have been over. This is ridiculous. I wonder if he has even one ounce of sincere sorrow for the dogs he tortured and killed?

Catching my breath

I’m not quite sure where my head is these days. I have found peace in dealing with impending unemployment. Why I don’t know, maybe it’s a survival instinct. I’m actually looking forward to some time off next week. I don’t have any more confidence I will land a great job. But, I’ve accepted that. Not that I’m not looking of course, I certainly am and applying when I find something, it is just that, well, maybe this is part of the overall plan.

I don’t subscribe to the belief that everything that happens is part of God’s master plan. Sometimes, things just happen. Bad stuff happens, good stuff happens. The difficulty lies in discerning how it does fit into the overall plan, but things happening because they were meant to? I can’t quite buy that. I do think a discerning spirit and an open heart will realize the blessings when they appear. I, for some reason, feel I have developed that. Not being one to toot my own horn, I don’t like proclaiming something like that, but I do feel I am able to see God at work, either directly or indirectly in my life.

So the point being, I’m free. Going back to last April, I am free from a relationship. Although at the time and for much of the summer and on into the fall I suppose having a relationship would have felt better than being ‘free’. Sometimes being free doesn’t always feel that good. Anyway, now I am free from a job. Now, I fully realize in this particular moment that I am writing this I am totally trying to extract some form of silver lining out of this. So be it. But maybe, just maybe this is another opportunity handed to me.

You see, going back to my relationship, my partner was never on board with my discernment, at least not on board 100%. Me going through this wasn’t the cause of the end of the relationship, but it was a factor. Among all the other held in resentments, hurts, hard feelings (all of that on both sides), this was a factor. And for that I still feel very sorry about. I never made this a make or break thing with him, I would never have sacrificed a loving relationship to continue on with my discernment, I don’t think God would have wanted me to. But as it worked itself out, it ended for other reasons. And because of that, and once I got past the hurt and every other negative emotion, there was definitely a sense of being let loose. And even now I hate thinking of it in those terms because I don’t want to diminish the relationship we had.

And so now in my current state, getting past the whirlwind I am and will continue to be in is a struggle and I imagine it won’t abate any time soon. But, I am able to extract that silver lining and try to see God at work. Now suppose I up and land a great job in an office next week. I still think the lesson I am learning is, don’t imagine you own or are owned by, the ‘things’ in your life. The relationships, the job, car, gadgets, your other stuff, whatever. Because it can all go away tomorrow and what remains is God. I need to be ready for that reality and perhaps that is what I am learning now. It is one thing to know it, and think you know it through and through. It is another thing to live it.

The other part of this is the sense of being set free. Not having a job to go to is scary for me, I’ve had stable employment for years now, never once truly fearing for not having it. Being fortunate enough to be successful and moving up. But having that taken away, well I am being forced to look at new opportunities, a new life perhaps, I’m not sure exactly how to phrase it. But, at least for now I can tell my corporate masters to kiss my #$s J

Beyond that my mind continues to wander. I am much more of a night person and love to sleep in as much as possible in the morning. But recently I have been getting up earlier and earlier, wide awake at 4 or 5 or 6. I know it’s due to anxiety. But I don’t necessarily wake up feeling anxious. I’m just awake.

So I get up and enjoy the quietness, the darkness outside. And I am able to connect with my prayer life in a way that doesn’t seem able to come like that at any other time of the day. At my ex-partner’s house I actually had a habit for a long time of getting up at that time of the morning to read morning prayer. And it never failed, as I would be sitting in the backroom by these large windows overlooking the backyard, and everything was pitch black, I would sit there and hear the lonesome call of a train blowing its whistle off in the dark somewhere.

Those are the moments I long for when it comes to praying. It feels as if nothing else exists in the world except you and God. And maybe the dogs stirring and whining to go out. But beyond that, nothing, not the stress of the upcoming day, the job, whatever else, it just doesn’t seem to exist in those moments.

I’m not quite sure where I was going with that, maybe just that I’ve been able to reconnect in that way. Perhaps that is another gift from God that I can see, in the midst of everything else, maybe God is pulling me up out of my slumber at 5 am so I can be with Him (or Her) and spend a few moments together truly free of distractions.
Maybe it’s God willing me to awake. Or maybe I’m just filled with anxiety, who knows?

Time to catch my breath?

These days I am seriously questioning my call. It hits me in terms of paying for seminary, giving up my much loved role of verger at the Cathedral. Some days I long to just go back, be involved as a verger and have a comfort zone.

Have a comfort zone in my life for the first time in months. I think that is all I want.

I struggle with this. The call isn't about being comfortable. It is about being challenged.

But really, I just need some time I think. A few weeks, a few months, to be comfortable. To regroup.

Hope lives

I am so tired of politics but yet I am very passionate about my beliefs and the candidates I support. Regardless of the overall election results, hope persists, hope lives, fear and hate will not win out in the end.

Evensong at Westminster Abby - London

This is clearly someone with a cameraphone or smartphone so the video quality isn't there but the music quality definitely is. And thanks be to God for the person who took it. Enjoy.

Even my dog loves the BCP!

She's preparing for next Sundays service.

More complications

This is my virge I received from the Verger's Guild of The Episcopal Church.

It is a symbolic item of the office of verger, which was once considered one of the lower orders of ordained ministry.

I received this after completing the Verger's course. It wasn't hard at all, just time consuming and took some dedication.

In my own discernment I, for some reason, am feeling thrown about. Not because of receiving this, but just, well, just because. Within a week I received my virge, acknowledging an accomplishment, I very successfully preached and then met with my discernment group.

And the bottom dropped out from underneath me.

Now I am questioning everything. Even whether ordained ministry is for me. Is it?

I know I love my home parish and crave to go back there and serve as a verger. So now I'm wondering if that along with participating in a religious order might fulfill my call.

Geez. This just keeps getting more complicated.

These are my pups

These are my pups.

Yes, I share them with my ex. But still.

I love them more than a whole lot of things. I don't get to see them like I used to. So when I do, it is special.

Tonight is special. It's been simple. Treats. A walk/jog. More treats. A special dinner. Then a rawhide bone.

And now the night is coming to an end and they are out. I think I'm going to keep them tomorrow too. Their presence lifts my spirits in ways I cannot describe.

The good stuff

I think now is a time of taking stock. Taking stock of what I have. I've done plenty of taking stock of what I've lost over the last several months. From time to time I stop and remind myself that I am lucky and I have a lot. But, I don't think I have ever taken time to truly appreciate what I have.

I have my family. My family is unbelievable. I have a small family compared to some, both of my parents, one sibling and a niece. But they are all great and I can count on any of them for support.

I have my sanity (some days).

I have my health.

I have my faith and my church. This could be at the top of the list. My faith in God and my call to ministry continues to save me. I don't have the energy right now to express this in words. It just does.

I have my dogs. Although I share them with my ex-partner, those times when I walk them or get to keep them at my place, almost magical. Like a drug, instant stress relief. I love my pups.

I have skills and education. So do a lot of people. But I have faith I will find a job. I have faith.

All in all, I'm in a much better place than a whole lot of people. I don't use that to make myself feel better, meaning I don't look to other people to make myself feel better. But I use it to balance my feelings out.

This is a trying, challenging, turbulent time. But God will prevail, He always does.

I gave a sermon

Tonight I preached. The focus was the Feast Day of St. Luke (which actually occurred on the 18th). I spoke about the trust and faith Luke had despite having never met Jesus, how he went on to spread the teachings of Jesus. And how that could influence our own lives, we having never met Jesus needing to go forth and spread his teachings, especially the tale of salvation.

I was pretty nervous leading up to it, but seemed to hold it together during the sermon. And from what I've been told I delivered it in a very calm, controlled manner. Which was my goal. I want to project a calm, compassionate person. And yet deliver a powerful message.

We shall see. It was a first try, from all accounts I succeeded, and on a personal, selfish level, I succeeded.

I'm good with today. In fact, I'm quite ecstatic.

Preaching this Wednesday

I am preaching this coming Wednesday and my own personal conventional wisdom would say I am scared to death.

But, I'm not. I am certainly nervous. And as it approaches I am sure I will be a wreck. But overall I think, and I like to believe, I am more anxious and excited to do it.

What an experience.

We shall see.

Kaiser with his rawhide

My baby boy with his rawhide bone.

He is laying against me, Zelda against my back. I love my pups.

No Doubt - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

A ton of joy in this performance. Enjoy, love life and embrace the good.

Another fall Saturday

I am having a great, but weird Saturday night. I'm hanging out with my ex-partner (strictly on a friendly basis), playing with the dogs, watching UK battle Auburn, probably losing but a great game. All in all a great fall night.

Secretariat Belmont Stakes 73' & extended post race coverage

Perfection is quite hard to pin down. Even the most perfect things we can think of can, and often do, end up having flaws. Athletic perfection may be a little bit easier to quantify, what with the system of rankings, numbers, judging etc. But even then it is rare.

The clip below is perfection, well, as close as anyone can define it.

Secretariat winning the Belmont Stakes in 1973 to join the rarefied air of Triple Crown Champions.

This particular race is perhaps one of the most dominating athletic performances ever.

I love St. Francis day. Here are a couple of pictures from my pups being blessed at my home parish.

This day is a reminder that all God's creatures are deserving of our love and protection.

Our animals are a wonderful reminder of God's love in creation. I pray we all strive to honor that.

Overcompensating

I have the pups tonight. Sometimes I feel like the divorced dad, I only get to see the kids once every so often. So when I do I go out of my way to make them happy, er, spoil them. But that's probably not possible since I know my ex-partner does an incredible job taking care of them.

But still, when I have I try to cram as many treats, snacks, walks and playtime in as I can, and I feel like I'm overdoing it.

But I can't help it.

Preaching

My first attempt at preaching is approaching. With everything else going on in my life I think I am trying to cover up this very real occurrence about to happen.

What to preach about. I will be preaching at a Wednesday service and given that most Episcopal churches take the Wednesday service as a chance to honor a particular saint, I will be doing that. I'm thinking about St. Theresa of Avila. But not entirely sold. She does fascinate me. And she certainly provides plenty of material to talk about.

The idea of preaching at once terrifies me to be honest and also excites or at least engages me. I relish this opportunity. If I can get over my nerves, I know I can connect. I am not a great communicator but I know I can connect with people.

So, we'll see how my introverted self does.

This weekend

I spent this weekend at the boat, courtesy of my ex-partner.

I needed this time so much, a chance to disconnect, be apart. And I admit I did get on my iPhone but, I didn't crack the computer once.

Right now I don't feel recharged physically, but at least I have a bit of a mental recharge.

Discerning

My discernment continues, I always think my thoughts and musings to my director are so off base and ridiculous that they will be immediately discounted.

But the responses I receive make me think that maybe I have something to say. But I still think in my mind that she is just being nice. Funny how a negative mind works.

I am scared to death at times. Scared that this actually means something and a larger change will be necessary.

But that is what God requires of us. Change. Radical change. And not just for people seeking ordination. Everyone. Everyone is required to make radical change.

Change is scary enough. This sort of change can seem daunting.

God knows that. And you know what? He doesn't care. The change needs to happen regardless. It's up to us to figure it out.

Looking for answers

Today, I think I had one of the lowest points in my life recently.

I think depression has been seeping in. Everything has combined into a nuclear bomb on my life right now, or at least that is what it feels like. I think I could have handled everything, for the most part, but knowing I'm losing my job in November has twisted the knife.

I am losing my positive outlook and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I used to be able to turn to church for comfort. But these days, church is an activity more than a refuge. And that's not a negative statement about the church I've been placed at, not at all. It is just that now church feels more like work, like it is a task I need to fulfill to get through to the next stage. I understand how this process works. But, that is stress enough. To not have that refuge on top of everything else just really turns things around.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Sleep usually provides some energy and a fresh look. Prayer definitely works although in my current state I find myself praying less, I'm not sure what that means.

My family is there for me. I know that. So, I have a network. And I realize while typing that I'm not without help.

Some are not so lucky.

Sad day for equality

Today our Congress had a chance to repeal an injustice against gays and lesbians. With a Democratic President and Democratic majority in both the House and Senate. And we still couldn't do it?

What does this say about our country? How much hate fills us? How ignorant and backwards are we?

A sad day.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0910/42485.html

These days humble me, and I do hope for happier times. My hope is I am being strengthened. We'll see.

I often feel my life is spinning completely out of control. For some reason, despite my job issue, the last couple of days have made me realize things will be ok.

Spiritually I am growing in leaps and bounds and that is new. I haven't felt spiritually fed for a while, mainly due to my own shortcomings.

With my involvement at my new church, my new ministries, I am starting to feel some new energy. I am so excited about the next few weeks and months.

I have much to stress about in my life. And I have so much to be thankful for.

I have to constantly remind myself of what is important and urgent in my life. My faith is the most important, my relationship with my creator.

Family, loved ones, friends. Right now I have to do this constantly. Otherwise I could end up focusing energy somewhere else. This pic is one of my chief concerns.

Johnny Cash - Ain't No Grave

A great song by Johnny Cash on his last album. I suspect it's a cover of an old gospel or bluegrass tune, not sure, I didn't check that out. But, I love this version, the video is ok, some nice shots of Johnny from his earlier days.

Changing weather

Today was the official start to college football. It just changes the feel of the weekends. Tailgating. ESPN gameday. SEC football on Saturday night.

For me it's a great thing, a good distraction. We all need some distraction in our life. It's not a waste of time, but something to entertain us and not remind us of the sometimes harsh reality of our 'real' lives.

Fall is coming. The weather will be changing, the leaves will be changing color and eventually falling away.

It's a great transition of the year.

I'm sitting here with my pups late on a Saturday night, well actually early on a Sunday morning. Reflecting on what the rest of the weekend holds.

My journaling

My discernment seems to be moving in a positive direction. The program I'm currently in is bearing some fruits and the director seems to like my feedback (journal entries).

This part of the process bodes well for me, I can write. It's one thing I know I can do well. So my journal entries and weekly reports are well thought out, and of course grammatically correct and so on. So that of course helps. I can express myself through the written word much better than through the spoken word. And I do realize that is something to be worked on. I will of course need to be able to express myself through the spoken word.

But for now it's comforting to know that my thoughts can at least be expressed in one medium. The rest will follow.

Admitting pain

One of my biggest downfalls is acknowledging my pain to others. I know my pain. I can accept it and deal with it as much as I can. But, I have a horrible time telling others about it.
Perhaps it is pride.

I don't want to admit weakness.

I don't want others to see me cry.

Which is of course silly because I don't care if other people see me cry. I think it's just the spilling forth of the acknowledgment of whatever is going on. I don't want people to know I am struggling.

And right now, I am struggling.

Emotionally, psychologically, perhaps even spiritually.

Pondering for today

I often wonder how my life would have turned out had just even the slightest of different paths been taken. I'm sure others do this as well.
I'm not unhappy with where my life is, not at all. It is certainly presenting some challenges at the moment. But, any life is going to provide that. My path has been easier than a whole lot of other people and perhaps more difficult than some. In the end that aspect is a wash.
I have just been thinking about the effect each choice can have on our lives. How we interact with each other, how we conduct our lives. How we live out our relationship with God.

These may seem like big subjects but they are carried out on a daily basis in very small ways.

And these small ways can have a great impact on the twists and turns our lives can take.

Safe

While I continue to be conflicted, messed up, confused, stressed out (in the extreme) and generally think my life is a mess, I have this to remind me, I'm ok...

In a whirlwind

I am in a whirlwind. I can't be allowed any space for tranquility. On one hand that is ok. It keeps things from getting boring. On the other hand it can involve some stress.

I am job searching like crazy. I honestly don't have any reasonable expectations for a decent job to come my way anytime soon.

And I have my discernment process. Very stressful I will say, at least in some ways. Very joyful in others. And it is this process that continues to save me.

If I didn't have this process to go through, as stressful and lifechanging as it can be, I'm not sure how I would emerge from this entire period of my life.

So, my calling is rescuing me again. I hope and pray it continues to lift me up out of the mire.

Video Dog Gets Hit By A Car On Highway Other Dog Drags Him Off Road T...

Serving

My life seems to be a mess. The main reason is I know in the very near future, I will be without a job. But, things can always be worse.

The main focus for continues to be my discernment. I served at the Church of Resurrection this past Sunday. I carried the Gospel book and I served at the altar, standing next to the priest during the eucharist.

My call continues to be explored.

My fix

When I need relief, I don't turn to drugs. I turn to my pups. They are my fix.

Placement

Well, I am smack in the middle of discernment.

I have been placed at a different church to do different things and in essence to allow a priest that doesn't know me, to be able to evaluate me and give a final report at the end. I embrace this. While I don't think I will get to perform the serving duties like I've been accustomed to, it has been mentioned I might get the opportunity to preach.

I don't relish that but I welcome it because I know I need to. That is part of ordained ministry and I need to start figuring out if that part even remotely fits me.

So generally good news on that front.

We shall see.

Dog day

From the dog park this past Sunday.

New days

I am starting to emerge.

I have been staying with my sister the last few months. She caught me from falling into a crevasse, without her and her support, well, I think these past few months would have been quite a bit darker.

But, it is time to move on to the next phase. Time to re-establish myself. I am now looking at a place of my own. A small apartment, but somewhere I will be able to be myself, establish a new life, and almost more important than anything, be able to keep the dogs for several days at a time.

I feel like a phoenix beginning to rise from the ashes.

I am lucky and blessed. I have an incredibly strong support network.

Many are not nearly as blessed.

I am grateful.

I look forward to future days.

Current state

Much has been left unsaid.

My relationship with my partner has failed.

After almost 9 years it is over. For the last couple of months my life has been in turmoil.My heart aches for the loss of not him, but the companionship, the friend, the one person I knew would be there at the end of the day no matter what.

I am also removed from the dogs. Until I find my own place I can only see my pups sparingly. That hurts most of all.

All the good times, the trips, all of our friends, the Sunday lunches, walking to dinner, etc.

There are some positives to be had. My discernment process can now continue unabated. I am free from all the negative energy. Those two positives cannot be discounted, at all.

It's still hard.

Discernment updated

So today I had another meeting of my discernment committee. My previous meeting didn’t go so well in my opinion. Not sure if I had written anything about that before but let me summarize: I was very tired, in a bad place mentally and spiritually and I felt like some of the people on the committee were really drilling into me. Which is their purpose but it almost felt personal. I could feel myself getting defensive and being made to feel like I had to justify and explain myself, like I was being seriously questioned.

Fast forward to today. I had submitted my spiritual autobiography a couple of weeks ago. I was not happy with it, not happy at all. I dreaded submitting it, I wanted to rework it and make it better and better written. But I couldn’t bring myself to it. I think I dreaded the whole process, partly because of how I felt the previous meeting went. I almost was at the point of thinking ‘what’s the point?’ But, the very first things said to me were how much they enjoyed it. The head of the committee said I was a good writer. So right off the bat my ego was being stroked, I didn’t know what to think. So then the questions started and they were very mild this time, I think have the SA really helped them to understand me and where I was coming from. Just about every response I gave was greeted with enthusiasm. When I left the meeting I was actually beside myself, I was really happy and when I got to work I could barely sit still.

Tonight, here in a couple of hours I’m meeting Nancy and Becky for appetizers and drinks. I really am quite fond of them. We are going to talk about what we’re going to as a CCN group now that Morris is leaving. They have also expressed a desire to be there for me as I go through this process. I’m going to need them.

Given all that, I don’t know where this all stands. I feel things are on the positive side concerning the church part. Concerning Tom things are definitely on the very negative side. He just doesn’t get a whole lot of things. How to treat people, how to support someone feeling a life change. He’s content to drink all the time, watch tv and never do anything helpful or useful. Ok, that’s a bit harsh. But my emotions are a little raw right now.