Tonight my ex-partner invited me over to hang out, have dinner and celebrate a mutual friends 50th birthday. Along with her husband and another gay couple. These are all people I met through him but by virtue of knowing them for several years at this point, I consider them friends as well.
My ex-partner and I have hung out several times over the last few weeks and months. We seem to get along well as friends, especially if we are having a glass of wine or two. Tonight was no exception. And there have been occasions when there was one, sometimes two other people present that were originally friends of his, and over the years came to know us as a couple.
Tonight the dynamic was different. I felt uncomfortable the entire time, not because of anything anyone said or anything anyone did. I just felt weird. I love these people. One of them I haven't seen since my breakup, the other three I've only seen once. I have missed them terribly and wanted to know how they’ve been and what is going on in their lives. But I couldn't help thinking what they were thinking, why was I there? Does my ex-partner still want me around? Do I still want to be around? Why did we breakup? And maybe, hopefully, they weren't thinking of any of that. I hope they were glad to see me. I was certainly ecstatic to see them. I hope we were able to share some moments together.
In the lifetime of a person so much passes. Friends, emotions, hurt feelings, disappointments, loves lost and gained, highs, lows, accomplishments, failures. That list isn't even close to complete.
As the night drew closer and closer to an end, I found myself at the dinner table with two of these friends. My ex-partner and two others had gone to the basement to listen to music.
I found myself growing distant from their conversation. I think it was the moment. I don't have much in common at all with these friends when it comes to work. And they aren't church going people. So when they start talking shop and mutual clients I listen. I enjoy their stories, they are funny people. But this was different, I just felt like I was drifting away.
Then we all moved to the basement to partake in the rest of the festivities. I found myself playing with my dogs (that I share with my ex-partner). I felt withdrawn, certainly a moment of sadness. A reminder of the loss, what I miss, what I don't miss, the traits of a person I still love, the person I can never see myself with again, but yet still mourn what has passed.
I played with the dogs for quite a bit, I had kept them the night before but I treasure any chance I get to spend time with them.
But I eventually snuck out. Perhaps the proper thing would have been to say my goodbyes to friends I had longed so much to see. But this get together wasn't about me. They were having a good time, and I felt it was time for me to leave. I will see them again. I will see my ex-partner again, probably soon, will probably talk to him tomorrow. And I look forward to that. Only because I still want him in my life as a friend. To some that may seem crazy and I think it is on some level. But it is purely a friendship. And it is a friendship I like having. Does it hurt at times? Does it remind me of a whole host of things? Yes and yes. But, I know I, and he, are better off. It's a confusing time I guess. Perhaps I'm rambling. But we seem to be linked. This is painful for me to think, say and write, but my discernment process is fresher and healthier as a single person.
I cannot go back to what was, only look ahead to what can be. And that brings me to this. As we sat around the dinner table tonight, after dinner, coconut cream pie and a birthday toast of champagne, the birthday girl lamented about not having enough of a lifetime to do everything she wanted to. Not enough time to be all the different things she is interested in, archaeologist, writer, doctor, even a hotel maid, Peace Corps, whatever. And not enough time to learn everything she wanted to learn. And to his credit, my ex-partner kept asking, why not? You still have years, plenty of years hopefully, have a dream and do it. Now, I wish his sentiments would have held true concerning my discernment, but still, I appreciated his reactions to her statements.
And as we all went around the table discussing our hopes and dreams for ourselves for our future years, it all came down to wanting to do something to help humanity and serve the greater good.
I became lost in a sea of emotions and thoughts. As much as I've questioned my call over the last few weeks, this moment smacked the crap out of me. I am in a process, on a path to do something that I not only love but feel called by God to do. Why in hell do I question that? How $#&%^ing stupid can I be? This is my time. I haven't had fear before, why now?
It gave me some much needed courage.
I don't know where this path will lead me to be honest. I have been completely ok with that for a long time. I love the mystery this process brings and certainly the joy as well. I am finding that mystery again. I think I am once again ok with the knowledge that I really don't know what is going to happen. I know my call continues and feel I am headed towards ordained ministry. But I also know I am going to be ok regardless.
Right now I can only think of two things.
Peace.
Thanks be to God.
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