Adjusting at the end of the 1st semester

I have had a tumultuous go of it recently. Not necessarily bad, just a bit chaotic.

I have had some very nice results from classes. My grades seem to be going well. But as soon as I felt ok with grades and classes I was presented with other stresses as I previously wrote about.

And as the month has progressed I have felt a building stress concerning the overall factor of adjusting.

Sometimes I feel like I have adjusted, I'm here, I feel the rhythm, I love the life, etc etc. But then I have almost extreme moments where I feel so separated from my previous life (which should probably be normal) distance from the dogs (which I hate), and even a disconnect at times with life here at seminary.

Sometimes these feelings all happen within the same day and I hate those days so much.

Sometimes they happen from day to day, but I never hit a stride of feeling completely awesome for several days in a row (which I do not like) nor do I hit a stride of being depressed for any great length of time (of which I am extremely thankful for).

The key to life is balance. Seminary tries to bring that in some ways. The balance in prayer life (the days being bookended by morning prayer and evening prayer or eucharist), with the obvious dose of academics/classes. The physical aspect is absent but I take care of that on my own.

But balance is so hard to attain in a normal setting much less here. If I let myself become consumed with seminary life, as I should sometimes, I lose sight of some things I love and find important. That isn't good. But if I dwell on those aspects it goes the other direction, often disastrously.

I had a conversation with a senior last night outside and he admitted to me adjustment takes about a year. I can see that and I thank him for sharing that. It really hasn't been that long to be here and adjust to an entirely new life. But yet we are either expected to have done so or we need to do so in order to survive.

The reality is, this shit takes time!

I know I am where I am supposed to be, as the saying goes.

So, I will allow myself as much time as it takes. I won't rush it and just accept any obstacles, problems, adjustments etc as I need to.

There is much joy to rest in, the stressful stuff will be dealt with as it comes.

Schism begets schism

As predicted by many, the schism being sought by the homophobic right is leading to even more schism. They can't keep their shit straight and want further power, control and whatever else it is they seek.

This happened before with the continuing Anglican movement and was widely predicted with this movement. It is almost sad to see them be so ignorant, ignore the history and then fall prey to the same things that their previous brethren did. Hate begets hate. Schism begets schism.

One would think a hateful bigot would learn that lesson at some point.

Schism begets schism

Daily struggles

I face many struggles in seminary, as do all my fellow seminarians. The main one that is presenting itself is financial. I won't go into details about that, it should be obvious.

The other is social, adapting to new people, which has happened and continues to happen.

Another is the breaking away, the letting go, of the old life, of home, etc.

These continually confront me. I think if the financial part was rock solid I would have more mental and emotional energy to deal with the other issues. But who knows?

Last night we had a very special service, a Solemn Evensong and Installation of the new Dead of Bexley Hall, and I had the honor of being the verger. It was a grand service, exemplifying the Episcopal tradition. It was a reminder to me of why I am not only an Episcopalian but why I feel called to be a priest.

The careful attention to liturgy and how the liturgy uplifts the worship of the people and enhances it.

It was glorious.

Those are the moments I cling to and that bring me strength in the midst of my day to day struggles.

May God bless me (and everyone) with moments that strengthen us throughout our daily struggles.