My own Easter season pt 1

As today unfolded it occurred to me that I am in the midst of my own Easter season. In fact that thought just came up a few moments ago.
I finished my applications to two seminaries late last night and early this morning, getting them mailed off at the last moment. Last night and this morning when I left them at the post office were both times of great joy, this was it. This is my time.

But as today wore on, and me being quite tired had a great effect on this, I became quite melancholy. I was helping my sister with her yard sale and even as we sat in the much welcome sunshine and very much enjoyed each other's company, I was sad. Sad I haven't spent nearly enough time with her and niece, not to mention my parents. Sad I would be leaving them behind. Sad I would be leaving my dogs behind, a very crucial element for me. Companions I was accustomed to being around constantly, every day, which has diminished a great deal over the past year, and in the future will diminish a great deal more, almost to the point of not having a relationship with them at all.

And for the last couple of nights I have had the dogs with me. So it is quite prominent in my mind.

But I know that is part of the sacrifice and for me, it is a huge sacrifice. Others may not ever see it that way. I do.

So back to my original point. I am living in the midst of my own Easter season and have been for a while now.

The dying off of my old life. And it continues to take time for that old life to die off. The vestiges, the emotions, perceptions, attitudes, all dying off and happening faster than I might expect for some, taking longer for others.

And what I am in right now, the long wait before the rebirth, the new life, the new energy. So at at times I almost feel as if I am living in an extended Holy Week. Each week, each month even, being equal to a long day in the walk of Holy Week. My end, well, my beginning really, starts in the fall. And for now, I must continue that walk.

I try to stay renewed but it is a challenge. My focus is constantly challenged, but I know I have God and hope, hope for that new beginning.

Oh God, my heart is ready (or close enough for now)

Sometimes the excitement of my future life almost cripples me. I can seemingly do nothing more than sit around and think (daydream?) about what the future holds and what my future life will look like.

Tonight is definitely one of those moments. As all of my application materials are coming together (at the last moment, but still coming together). I can't help but sit here with a stupid grin on my face. I don't have the slightest idea of what the next step will look like. To be sure, I know what it contains (where I will be living, classes etc) but I can't conceptualize yet how I will fit in or better yet how those new 'things' will fit in my life. There will be struggles, I know that. Knowing myself, I am certain of that. But that is ok. I am looking forward to it and I believe this past year has helped prepare me for the upcoming year.

Funny how God works huh? Providential.

So as pieces fall into place and my new reality takes form, new ideas emerge, new energies are created. I feel as if I am becoming something new. And that is a process that will take time, but it has begun.

I feel so fortunate. Being where I am takes time, and work. Quite a bit of work. And approval of quite a few people.

And for that I am grateful. Grateful that I have been approved to be in this position, not just to seek ordination, but that a new chapter in my life is opening up.

In a lifetime, how often does one get to do something like this? Rarely, if ever.

I am humbled. One day I hope to return the gifts I have been given. And that day will come I know. And that is the beauty of everything. It isn't a situation of going off, achieving something and making a new life for myself.

No, it is much more than that. These gifts that are happening for will enable myself to emerge, come back and spread the gifts I have been given. That is the true joy in all of this. Because that is what I am longing to do and it is in the process of being fulfilled.

Easter

I have some reflections concerning the Great Triduum and Easter Sunday. For now here is a picture from the church this morning.

Finding a Lenten discipline

It has been a challenge to maintain my focus during Lent and even during Holy Week. Maybe especially Holy Week.

Lent has been my favorite time of the liturgical year since I first entered the Episcopal Church. A fascination with the liturgies, symbols and prayers that had historic, indeed ancient ties, along with the solemness, the chance for quiet, and the time to make peace with God. And Holy Week, from a liturgical standpoint is like the Christmas season on steroids.

This year has been different. There is so much change going on in my life and in the life of my home parish. So much so that it has made it difficult to think of much else. And I know, one of the points of Lent is to draw us away from those distractions, perhaps give us other tools, different prayers, liturgies etc, to help us in that goal. But this still has been one of the most difficult times I have experienced in getting my focus right.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she asked me if I had taken on a Lenten discipline this year. To be perfectly frank I had not even considered it. It seemed almost ridiculous for me, but I know it would have made the most sense for me.

I thought about this after our lunch and thought, 'You know what? Screw Lent. Yes that's right, screw you Lent!' With everything I have to had to deal with over the past year I haven't been much in the mood of taking on another burden.

Not a good attitude to have, but there you go. My focus, my intent, my life is becoming stronger and more clear by the day. By now I am well on my way to deciding where I am going to attend seminary. And being able to figure that out, especially with the two thought processes of being able to leave my dogs behind and being able to figure out the financial side of the equation is doing me more good in all areas than I can describe. I think now that being able to come to terms of leaving my beloved pups behind is larger than anything else. Only animal, and especially dog, lovers will understand.

In many ways figuring out the next steps of my life has been my Lenten discipline and I believe that is a legitimate way of thinking. I still don't know for sure how things will end up, but regardless of anything else, I know they will end up well.

Palm Sunday and Holy Week

This Sunday was Palm Sunday. One of the High Holy Days of the Church. Not sure why I felt the need to capitalize all of those words. Maybe to add some weight to it and to further show off my high churchiness.

The narrative for the day begins as a big celebration, Jesus arriving on the back of donkey in Jerusalem, everyone waving palms and laying them on his path, shouting "Hosanna".

And yet the day ends in despair. Jesus is betrayed, handed over to Pontius Pilate, tried, found guilty, tortured and finally, executed.

In my church we did a recreation of the narrative and I must say we did it to great effect. No lines were spoken by the participants, instead the reading was carried out by two readers out of sight in the balcony. The 'actors', of which I was one, were mere stand ins as it where, a visual representation of what was being read to the congregation.

A very dramatic liturgical scene. And it worked.

Now, the idea of Palm Sunday for me is so bittersweet. For of course we have Jesus arriving to great acclamation only to end up being the object of scorn and ultimately being crucified. As it is designed, it sets the tone for Holy Week.

The rest of the week is steeped in darkness, some of it a reminder (at least in theory) of the same scene as Palm Sunday, going from light into darkness. Maundy Thursday is representative of that as is the service of Tennebrae that many Roman Catholic and some Episcopal churches (including my parish) celebrate.

The descent into darkness is necessary. And now we can feel the joy of Easter tugging at us so it is easier to deal with it. Hopefully we have been wrestling with darkness plenty up until now, through our long journey of Lent.

And if not, this week can help serve as reminder of the necessity of Lent and of despair, crucifixion, and of death. For only with that darkness comes the light of Jesus and the resurrection.

Moving on

My discernment has finally progressed to the point where not only do I feel mentally and emotionally ok with moving away from Lexington, I am in the beginning stages of looking forward to it.

That is one of the real benefits the length of the process has afforded me. Early on I certainly felt called but it was as if everything existed in some sort of nebulous fantasy land. As things became more and more real and it was apparent what the next steps were, well, it required further adjusting on my part.

And now here I am. I am looking to move not even that far away, about 3 hours or so.

The only negative part of this for me, and it is huge, are the dogs. They will have to remain with my ex-partner. At least initially. The housing I am looking at doesn't allow pets. This is a huge mental and emotional challenge for me. Some might think, they are only dogs. No. To me they are companions, creatures that have trusted me to take care of them. I won't go so far to call them children. but really, they are the closest to children I will have.

I can't really express the mental process I have had to go through to get over the idea of not being close to or having access to my dogs.

It is what it is.

Beyond that everything is hopeful, joyful.

I have heard and been made aware of that this process (seeking ordination, going to seminary etc) involves some sacrifice. And that is part of it and part of the whole point.

I know what I am going to be sacrificing. My friends and family remain.

I remain excited and hopeful about the next steps. It is a good thing.

Hate a bad ending on a Sunday

I used to love Sundays. In particular Sunday afternoons. After having gone to church and especially if I had been able to serve, I would feel so at peace with the world.

Times have changed. I still love Sundays. But not as much. Today offered a brief reprieve. Without going into a lot of details there was a chance to hang out with my ex-partner and a cadre of friends/acquaintances etc. But it didn't work out. I won't bash my ex-partner here, but suffice to say the initial conversation descended into me being yelled at, within the span of 30 seconds.

Now, I know full well I can have a temper. And when pushed I can and will unleash. But I don't like that part of myself and try very hard to fix it.

That part of me was not in effect today. It never had a chance to.

I was bombarded. So, I left it as such.

Long story short I ended up meeting with my ex-partner and others later in the night. Apparently the day had been nothing but drama and the night only held more of it.

By the time I left my expartners house to go home I was thoroughly stressed out and mad and upset.

Not a good ending for a Sunday.

But it adds fuel to the fire of my thought process on seminary. Right now, I want nothing more than to leave Lexington. Earlier today I wanted nothing more than to stay. And the only reason for that? My ex-partner and some sort of strange twisted idea that we might have a future together. That is yet to be seen. But tonight illustrates that my health and sanity does not and should not depend on him.

Taking a deep breath.

Praying.

All will be well.

A great day

Today has been an outstanding day. Sometimes you look forward to a particular day and you are let down or only partially fulfilled. But still grateful you have good things to look forward to and at least have some parts of your life that are nice.

I had been looking forward to today and indeed the rest of this weekend. And today just didn't disappoint. It was quite simple really. Very nice weather. Impeccable really. 70 degrees, sunny, no humidity. Spring in Kentucky.

Long time friend came up to stay with my ex-partner so we all hang out for a bit then went and had a late lunch. Bloody Mary's, glasses of chardonnay, vodka tonics, appetizers. Good times. And I have made some further inroads on my next steps, more to come on that later. Now I am sitting here playing with the dogs, especially my little girl. Sometimes, a day of no particular significance can end up meaning the most. I am very grateful.

My team lost

Well the Cats fell short tonight, 56-55 to UConn. It was a heartbreaker and I am (or was) certainly bummed. I've been around for the excitement of Final Four wins and National Titles and it is absolutely electric. So to not have that is a major letdown. Losing in the tournament becomes a harder hit the deeper the team goes. We made it this far which was something no one, no one, thought this team could do.

But, it is a game, a sporting event. I feel for the young men involved but life does indeed go on. Basketball is a great distraction and I am sad I won't have that distraction for a few more days. But on the other hand I am brought back down to reality. Time to refocus. It may seem odd but I had become obsessed with stats, reports, sports commentary, etc in the last week or so. And that is ok, it's fun.

But now back to life.

And waiting for the next basketball season.

I continue my wanderings in the desert of my mind. A landscape where at times I see nothing, at times a wonderous sight off in the distance. To my rational self, surely a mirage. But maybe not.
It is a wondering done in solitude from others. And only I can figure the way out. With God's help of course, but talking to other people right now only complicates the path. It's like it not only doesn't help it, it makes it worse.

Maybe I am putting up roadblocks. I don't know.

At times I am so terribly excited I can't sit still. Then I am hit with moments of depression that bring me to tears. Why? I don't really know. I know how my first experience with college turned out. It took me 3 years just to gain my footing. If that happens again I will fail. But I know I'm a different person this time around. I hope so.

I know I develop deep and emotional attachments to places. Moving to another city will be hard. Even if it is only a few hours away.

Late night/early morning ramblings.

I can at least be thankful to God I have such problems to contemplate.

As St Julian of Norwich said, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. "