Even my dog loves the BCP!

She's preparing for next Sundays service.

More complications

This is my virge I received from the Verger's Guild of The Episcopal Church.

It is a symbolic item of the office of verger, which was once considered one of the lower orders of ordained ministry.

I received this after completing the Verger's course. It wasn't hard at all, just time consuming and took some dedication.

In my own discernment I, for some reason, am feeling thrown about. Not because of receiving this, but just, well, just because. Within a week I received my virge, acknowledging an accomplishment, I very successfully preached and then met with my discernment group.

And the bottom dropped out from underneath me.

Now I am questioning everything. Even whether ordained ministry is for me. Is it?

I know I love my home parish and crave to go back there and serve as a verger. So now I'm wondering if that along with participating in a religious order might fulfill my call.

Geez. This just keeps getting more complicated.

These are my pups

These are my pups.

Yes, I share them with my ex. But still.

I love them more than a whole lot of things. I don't get to see them like I used to. So when I do, it is special.

Tonight is special. It's been simple. Treats. A walk/jog. More treats. A special dinner. Then a rawhide bone.

And now the night is coming to an end and they are out. I think I'm going to keep them tomorrow too. Their presence lifts my spirits in ways I cannot describe.

The good stuff

I think now is a time of taking stock. Taking stock of what I have. I've done plenty of taking stock of what I've lost over the last several months. From time to time I stop and remind myself that I am lucky and I have a lot. But, I don't think I have ever taken time to truly appreciate what I have.

I have my family. My family is unbelievable. I have a small family compared to some, both of my parents, one sibling and a niece. But they are all great and I can count on any of them for support.

I have my sanity (some days).

I have my health.

I have my faith and my church. This could be at the top of the list. My faith in God and my call to ministry continues to save me. I don't have the energy right now to express this in words. It just does.

I have my dogs. Although I share them with my ex-partner, those times when I walk them or get to keep them at my place, almost magical. Like a drug, instant stress relief. I love my pups.

I have skills and education. So do a lot of people. But I have faith I will find a job. I have faith.

All in all, I'm in a much better place than a whole lot of people. I don't use that to make myself feel better, meaning I don't look to other people to make myself feel better. But I use it to balance my feelings out.

This is a trying, challenging, turbulent time. But God will prevail, He always does.

I gave a sermon

Tonight I preached. The focus was the Feast Day of St. Luke (which actually occurred on the 18th). I spoke about the trust and faith Luke had despite having never met Jesus, how he went on to spread the teachings of Jesus. And how that could influence our own lives, we having never met Jesus needing to go forth and spread his teachings, especially the tale of salvation.

I was pretty nervous leading up to it, but seemed to hold it together during the sermon. And from what I've been told I delivered it in a very calm, controlled manner. Which was my goal. I want to project a calm, compassionate person. And yet deliver a powerful message.

We shall see. It was a first try, from all accounts I succeeded, and on a personal, selfish level, I succeeded.

I'm good with today. In fact, I'm quite ecstatic.

Preaching this Wednesday

I am preaching this coming Wednesday and my own personal conventional wisdom would say I am scared to death.

But, I'm not. I am certainly nervous. And as it approaches I am sure I will be a wreck. But overall I think, and I like to believe, I am more anxious and excited to do it.

What an experience.

We shall see.

Kaiser with his rawhide

My baby boy with his rawhide bone.

He is laying against me, Zelda against my back. I love my pups.

No Doubt - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

A ton of joy in this performance. Enjoy, love life and embrace the good.

Another fall Saturday

I am having a great, but weird Saturday night. I'm hanging out with my ex-partner (strictly on a friendly basis), playing with the dogs, watching UK battle Auburn, probably losing but a great game. All in all a great fall night.

Secretariat Belmont Stakes 73' & extended post race coverage

Perfection is quite hard to pin down. Even the most perfect things we can think of can, and often do, end up having flaws. Athletic perfection may be a little bit easier to quantify, what with the system of rankings, numbers, judging etc. But even then it is rare.

The clip below is perfection, well, as close as anyone can define it.

Secretariat winning the Belmont Stakes in 1973 to join the rarefied air of Triple Crown Champions.

This particular race is perhaps one of the most dominating athletic performances ever.

I love St. Francis day. Here are a couple of pictures from my pups being blessed at my home parish.

This day is a reminder that all God's creatures are deserving of our love and protection.

Our animals are a wonderful reminder of God's love in creation. I pray we all strive to honor that.

Overcompensating

I have the pups tonight. Sometimes I feel like the divorced dad, I only get to see the kids once every so often. So when I do I go out of my way to make them happy, er, spoil them. But that's probably not possible since I know my ex-partner does an incredible job taking care of them.

But still, when I have I try to cram as many treats, snacks, walks and playtime in as I can, and I feel like I'm overdoing it.

But I can't help it.

Preaching

My first attempt at preaching is approaching. With everything else going on in my life I think I am trying to cover up this very real occurrence about to happen.

What to preach about. I will be preaching at a Wednesday service and given that most Episcopal churches take the Wednesday service as a chance to honor a particular saint, I will be doing that. I'm thinking about St. Theresa of Avila. But not entirely sold. She does fascinate me. And she certainly provides plenty of material to talk about.

The idea of preaching at once terrifies me to be honest and also excites or at least engages me. I relish this opportunity. If I can get over my nerves, I know I can connect. I am not a great communicator but I know I can connect with people.

So, we'll see how my introverted self does.

This weekend

I spent this weekend at the boat, courtesy of my ex-partner.

I needed this time so much, a chance to disconnect, be apart. And I admit I did get on my iPhone but, I didn't crack the computer once.

Right now I don't feel recharged physically, but at least I have a bit of a mental recharge.

Discerning

My discernment continues, I always think my thoughts and musings to my director are so off base and ridiculous that they will be immediately discounted.

But the responses I receive make me think that maybe I have something to say. But I still think in my mind that she is just being nice. Funny how a negative mind works.

I am scared to death at times. Scared that this actually means something and a larger change will be necessary.

But that is what God requires of us. Change. Radical change. And not just for people seeking ordination. Everyone. Everyone is required to make radical change.

Change is scary enough. This sort of change can seem daunting.

God knows that. And you know what? He doesn't care. The change needs to happen regardless. It's up to us to figure it out.