Another step towards this coming week

I have given myself to the process. My future is not in my hands at this point so it takes a certain amount of peace to be, well, at peace with that.

I met with the Commission on Ministry last weekend. It seemed to go very well. It was a series of four one on one conversations with a member from the COM. I actually enjoyed the entire process. But I don't have any idea how they received me or what they think of me or my 'fitness' for ordained ministry.

But I am putting that entirely aside for the moment. I am readying myself for Haiti. And how I am looking forward to it! I cannot wait. The adventure of travel is one aspect, the airports, being in different places seeing different people. And then of course is going to Haiti.

I will have much to write about when I get back, along with pictures and videos.

Just another Monday?

Another Monday and for this winter another day that held snow as the day awakened.

For me, it as another day I woke up and didn't have to leave my apartment. Today I was grateful for that.

As I sit here, late at night once again, my pups are asleep, dinner has been had and I am currently watching a really cool documentary about the Appalachian Trail.

And I continue to look forward to Haiti. And contemplate what meaning my life has in regards to that and what possible meaning it will have after it.

For now I exist in anticipation.

Another step

I met with the Commission on Ministry this weekend. It was originally meant to be an overnight retreat, but because of inclement weather was condensed to an all day affair at a local church. I felt much better about the revised format, no travel and less time being grilled. I can certainly get up and be on top of my game for an all day setting.

I think it went well, I actually enjoyed it a lot. Now, I don't really know how they received me nor do I have any idea of what sort of evaluation they will give the bishop. So my future is still very much up in the air and is completely out of my control at the moment. That is a stressful place to be, but also in some weird way, it can be very freeing. I am at the will of the winds as it where, so why worry over things I cannot control?

As I have more time I will write more about what this past weekend held. But for now I am content with a short entry.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

This weekend, looking forward

The end of another weekend. But not having a job means the term 'weekend' has very little meaning these days. Days and weeks seem to melt into one another. At times it can be very disconcerting. Frustrating. Maddening even.

But that is my reality at the moment. I am trying to embrace my open schedule. There is certainly plenty of time to look for a job (#1 priority), time to write, journal, read, volunteer with my church and of course time to play with my dogs and spend time with them.

Lest anyone think it, this is certainly not an extended vacation. On the contrary, the mental stress completely negates any notion of not having to report to someone Monday-Friday. I would much rather that. And certainly my schedule, especially my sleep schedule is askew. I would much rather though be in bed at the moment resting up to go to work in the morning instead of being up at 2 am on a Monday morning contemplating my circumstances.

There is a very real bright spot however. I am heading to Haiti in a little less than a week. This time next week, I will be in the thick of it. And it is something I am really looking forward to. I have sort of divested myself of any expectations, I'm trying to be open to whatever happens, happens.

So for now in this short period of time that is my focus. We'll see how it affects it my focus when I return.

Traveling to Haiti

In less than two weeks I am heading to the Caribbean nation of Haiti. The most impoverished nation in the western hemisphere, it has needed and attracted aid and mission groups for years, way before the devastating earthquake of 2010 hit.

And since then the interest in giving assistance has increased quite a bit. The same could be said of myself, my interest in the plight of Haiti was present well before the earthquake, but now it is even greater.

I have been given a great opportunity through my church to go. To go and minister, to give whatever gifts I have to the people I encounter. Hopefully to remind them they are not forgotten, that God loves them, that other people in the world love them and that there is hope.

I suspect though I will learn more from the people I meet than they will from me. I suspect this from my own intuition, past experiences and from what people that have been before have told me.

Haitians are not a sad and miserable people. Skeptical people might think its because they don't know any better, they don't realize how bad off they are because they don't have anything to compare it with.

The optimist in me wants to think they remain happy because they are required to forego reliance on the material world and instead place their hope and reliance on the spiritual one. On God. And it is because of that they are happier than many people here. I am only speculating for now and I will try to not let that influence my experience when I go.

But still, the optimist suspects what I will find.

Coming to a head

At times my life seems spiraling out of control. And at others, it seems barreling towards a better end. Just with a lot of messiness along the way.

This coming weekend holds what in essence is a brief (from 5 pm Friday until around the same time on Sat) retreat, but could possibly feel like an eternity. Or it could fly by. Either way it will be a huge factor on how the rest of my discernment goes. It is a retreat with the Bishop and the Commission on Ministry.

I'm not particularly worried but I am nervous/anxious. I'd like to think that is a perfectly normal and acceptable state to be in. Otherwise I don't think I'd be genuine. If I was so relaxed going into it, well then I think I'd be overestimating myself and underestimating the seriousness of how I am going to be evaluated.

Beyond that I am very much feeling the weight of not having a job. It's daunting and I don't know when it will end. I'm not sure what the issue is but I'm not receiving any response from the jobs I'm applying for. Something will come up at some point.

In the meantime I have my discernment to focus on. This week should be interesting.