Adjusting at the end of the 1st semester

I have had a tumultuous go of it recently. Not necessarily bad, just a bit chaotic.

I have had some very nice results from classes. My grades seem to be going well. But as soon as I felt ok with grades and classes I was presented with other stresses as I previously wrote about.

And as the month has progressed I have felt a building stress concerning the overall factor of adjusting.

Sometimes I feel like I have adjusted, I'm here, I feel the rhythm, I love the life, etc etc. But then I have almost extreme moments where I feel so separated from my previous life (which should probably be normal) distance from the dogs (which I hate), and even a disconnect at times with life here at seminary.

Sometimes these feelings all happen within the same day and I hate those days so much.

Sometimes they happen from day to day, but I never hit a stride of feeling completely awesome for several days in a row (which I do not like) nor do I hit a stride of being depressed for any great length of time (of which I am extremely thankful for).

The key to life is balance. Seminary tries to bring that in some ways. The balance in prayer life (the days being bookended by morning prayer and evening prayer or eucharist), with the obvious dose of academics/classes. The physical aspect is absent but I take care of that on my own.

But balance is so hard to attain in a normal setting much less here. If I let myself become consumed with seminary life, as I should sometimes, I lose sight of some things I love and find important. That isn't good. But if I dwell on those aspects it goes the other direction, often disastrously.

I had a conversation with a senior last night outside and he admitted to me adjustment takes about a year. I can see that and I thank him for sharing that. It really hasn't been that long to be here and adjust to an entirely new life. But yet we are either expected to have done so or we need to do so in order to survive.

The reality is, this shit takes time!

I know I am where I am supposed to be, as the saying goes.

So, I will allow myself as much time as it takes. I won't rush it and just accept any obstacles, problems, adjustments etc as I need to.

There is much joy to rest in, the stressful stuff will be dealt with as it comes.

Schism begets schism

As predicted by many, the schism being sought by the homophobic right is leading to even more schism. They can't keep their shit straight and want further power, control and whatever else it is they seek.

This happened before with the continuing Anglican movement and was widely predicted with this movement. It is almost sad to see them be so ignorant, ignore the history and then fall prey to the same things that their previous brethren did. Hate begets hate. Schism begets schism.

One would think a hateful bigot would learn that lesson at some point.

Schism begets schism

Daily struggles

I face many struggles in seminary, as do all my fellow seminarians. The main one that is presenting itself is financial. I won't go into details about that, it should be obvious.

The other is social, adapting to new people, which has happened and continues to happen.

Another is the breaking away, the letting go, of the old life, of home, etc.

These continually confront me. I think if the financial part was rock solid I would have more mental and emotional energy to deal with the other issues. But who knows?

Last night we had a very special service, a Solemn Evensong and Installation of the new Dead of Bexley Hall, and I had the honor of being the verger. It was a grand service, exemplifying the Episcopal tradition. It was a reminder to me of why I am not only an Episcopalian but why I feel called to be a priest.

The careful attention to liturgy and how the liturgy uplifts the worship of the people and enhances it.

It was glorious.

Those are the moments I cling to and that bring me strength in the midst of my day to day struggles.

May God bless me (and everyone) with moments that strengthen us throughout our daily struggles.

Costs and burdens of CPE

As I get a grasp on one thing here in seminary life, another thing immediately pops up to give me stress.

I just recently started feeling more accustomed to class, more comfortable. And that really came with receiving some initial grades and feedback on some major papers and exams. It was a huge boon, not to my ego, but perhaps to my self confidence that yeah, this just might turn out ok. In fact, I was elated.

And not soon thereafter, just within a couple of days I am faced with having to determine where I will do CPE. This typically takes place the summer after the first year. So now is the time to figure it out.

I originally thought that you just did these programs. Sometimes you could be lucky in finding a stipend or such.

Today we had representatives from several local and nearby CPE programs on campus that we could meet with. In my first conversation it was made abundantly clear that stipends are only offered in exceptional circumstances and they always involve needing previous CPE experience and being a year long residence. Ok. Well, beyond that, CPE actually requires you to pay the institution you are doing your program at. On one level I understand it. And the cost isn't heinous ($600 or so), but is still prohibitive for a cash strapped seminary student.

So here is what has been running through my head all day: CPE is required by most dioceses (including mine), which means I have to take a course that is a full time job (Mon-Fri 8-5), you have to pay money to do it, and doing the course means you will not be able to have any sort of gainful employment during the summer (when the vast majority of these programs take place). So I can't make any extra money during the summer, I have to pay money to take this extra program, and did I mention that since I won't be enrolled in classes (I can't because of doing CPE) I'm not eligible for financial aid?

So where in the freaking hell am I supposed to come up with the money to live, pay for CPE, buy food and just generally exist?

Really? Who is the mental giant that came up with this program?

I swear, some of this stuff is just done to add extra burdens on students, as a test.

Not looking forward to this.

Vick wants sympathy?!

So, Michael Vick wants sympathy for his recent misfortunes? He broke his wrist this Sunday and suffered a sort of concussion last Sunday. Now he is blaming the referees for not calling the appropriate penalties when defensive players tackle him.

Really?

Really?

A dog killer who has been given a second chance on a million dollar career playing a game based on tossing a ball around, is going to complain about this? NO sympathy here.

If Vick wants sympathy perhaps he should start to explain how he had zero sympathy for the dogs that were murdered by him and others. Yes, murdered.

I have zero sympathy for the dog killer Vick. Karma has yet to exact her full revenge on him as far as I am concerned.

Not a Christian response I know, but so be it.

Michael Vick wants sympathy? What?!

Figuring it out

I've spent quite a bit of time adjusting to life here. So what very little energy I ever devoted to writing on this blog has been non-existent. I'm surprised I managed even what I have so far.

But things are starting to hit what I was looking for, an equilibrium. Not perfection, just some idea of a balance, I know what is going on, what is expected and am starting to have an idea of what is required to accomplish those things.

The part I continue to wrestle with is the social and emotional aspect. As a man, an adult, having lived through the things I have, feel like I am very capable of being independent, living on my own etc.

But I find myself at times lonely, upset, whatever. It is just like being back in college, when I did my undergrad. Figuring out human relationships, how to make friends, how to find stuff to do, esp when I don't have much if any spare money to throw on dinner, clubs etc.

I am in the place I am supposed to be. I cannot imagine any other place I should be right now. This is it.

I just need to figure out how to make everything work. It will.

I trust in God, God called me so God will allow a path for me to figure it out.

Messing up

By virtue of the electronic system put in place for assignments/readings etc to be assigned, I missed my very first writing assignment.

Now to be fair, the professor, whom I like quite a bit, was very gracious. Especially as I wasn't the only one to have done so.

Still, I was almost devastated. I missed turning in an assignment? In my second week of seminary? What the hell?

Again, the professor was gracious, told me to not even worry about it, she understood this system was new and could be confusing and we were all figuring it out.

But....

We had evening prayer right after class.

As the service went on my feelings of failure built. My stress magnified.

By the time the service was over it was all I could do to grab my bag and head back to my room.

I was almost shattered. In my second week of school I had already messed up. F*&ked up. Whatever.

I know the professor said/thought it wasn't such a big deal. But I had somehow missed everything, missed the assignment, messed up. Whatever.

I broke down once I got to my room. The stress of a new life, the work, messing up. It all came to bear.

I think I am ok now. I know I am better. Ok? We shall see.

A time to briefly reflect

I am starting to hit one of the many brick walls I anticipated.

This one isn't huge, but nonetheless it is there.

What am I doing here? Am I going to be successful? How will I pay for all of this? Seriously!

And then I stop myself. Sometimes I just go into silence. Sometimes I very quietly start to weep. Weep, cry, for what I've left behind. For the hard work yet to come. The stress. The change. Everything. Why not cry?

And I (hopefully) collect myself. This change is huge and traumatic. It is a change that affects every level of my being. So yeah, traumatic is an ok word to use.

So the wall I've hit?

Hopefully a minor obstacle. But it is there. Questioning, wondering, sadness, loneliness. I am in all those places. I don't want to be in at least two of those places, but, well, there it is.

This wall will pass within a day or so. And then perhaps another one will present itself. This is a life in transition. Assimilation. A work in progress if you will.

May God uphold me, lift me up, preserve and provide for me in these days ahead.

UCC minister is flat out wrong

This particular article is making the rounds among my church friends and they all seem to be falling over themselves in drooling admiration of it.

UCC Minister dismisses unchurched


I for one find it repugnant.

While I understand her point, I also find her commentary/response not only harsh but irresponsible.

I have been that person she speaks of. And saying I am spiritual but not religious isn't someone being lazy necessarily, perhaps it is someone saying it out of fear. Fear of organized religion. Fear of any number of things. And some of those fears are justified.

I find this article quite harsh and to be honest very unnecessary to an overall conversation of how we express ourselves as Christians.

For example, perhaps I am someone wanting a connection with God, but yet afraid of organized religion and I express myself in this way to this particular minister on a plane flight. And then she decides to move seats to sit beside a Christian she finds more acceptable. What would then be my impression of not just organized religion but Christianity? She moved seats to be near someone she could hold hands with and sing kumba ya, dismissing me entirely? Seriously? Is this lady that arrogant?

This particular minister is being dismissive and irresponsible with this article. I hope if she has any crisis of faith other people aren't so dismissive of her.

I don't want anything to do with her line of thinking.

Rhythm

Life at seminary for me (so far) is about finding the rhythm. The movement between classes, studying, taking of my personal life (exercise, going to the grocery etc) and of course the very important need of daily chapel.

It started to strike me today that, yes, I am in seminary. I am here, I am a seminary student.

This happened as I am slowly starting to feel the rhythm. It will become easier and I know there will be some (many?) times when the rhythm I long for goes completely out the window and everything is chaos with papers and exams swarming upon me.

But for now, I am letting some of those last vestiges of anxiety wilt away even as new ones will start to creep in.

This is a learning process, just learning how to fit in, how to live, how to make things work.

First weekend

My first weekend away from home is drawing to a close.

My reflections aren't yet crystal clear due to the fact I feel as if I am still recovering from my sickness. Nothing major at this point, just some general tiredness, lethargy etc.

But life here seems to be much more active on Friday nights. Saturday night has been extremely quiet. I know everyone may not be on campus yet, but still. That seems to be the rhythm so far and I understand it. Sunday is when everyone goes to church and I'm sure many people are going off to serve in a congregation or perhaps some form of outreach.

It is a weird dynamic. One I don't mind, in fact if this is truly the way things are I think I will like it. I want to 'do things' on the weekend to be sure, hang out, be in community, go out, have cocktails, whatever. But having the sense so far that everyone here isn't partying is refreshing and reassuring. Sort of lessens the pressure to feel like I need to be out and about. That having a quiet night to oneself is ok.

Just some initial observations. Things may indeed change once the academic year gets into full swing.

Finally here

I am finally at seminary.

That deserves a deep breath from myself.

I am settling in, trying the best I can that is. Things are going well, esp considering this is my first weekend away from my old life and I am ok. A couple of glasses of wine helps. And eventually overcoming a case of walking pneumonia helps a whole lot as well. I haven't had any energy beyond existing for the last 2-3 weeks. Being able to do a workout tonight was a treat, something I hadn't been able to do and enjoy and not be completely wasted afterwards.

So things are moving in a very positive direction.

Orientation was very good, a little overwhelming as is to be expected, but I am glad that part is over. Now, regular life.

A life of prayer, formation, fellowship and of course classes, papers and everything else that comes with it.

I already miss my dogs. But I've made my peace with how things will move forward. Hopefully I can find a place where I can keep them. I'm not sure about that, but we'll see.

Having a completely new life can be quite consuming. It will take a bit of time but I am so excited, and honored, to be in this place studying to do God's work in the church.

US over Brazil

This is old news by now but I had to say something about it. The US women's soccer team (yes, soccer dangit) made an unbelievable comeback against Brazil.

Overcoming horrible officiating by Australian referee Jacqui Melksham (bad enough that in my opinion she should be rebuked, reviewed or something else) the US team were down a women from the 65th minute on. Not to mention the questionable call on the penalty kick and the ridiculous call on the penalty that started the whole thing.

They tied it in the latest minute ever in the history of the women's World Cup and I want to say the men's as well but I don't know that for a fact.

And then they won it on penalty kicks with Hope Solo (what an awesome name) making a save that proved the difference. What a game! I watched most of it starting from the midpoint of the first half. I love these girls. Ladies. Women. Whatever we're supposed to refer to them as. I love them.

Last minute goal saves the day

Digging up the past to move on

Tonight I have begun packing up my stuff to get ready to move. But not yet ready to move to seminary, but back into my ex's house. Just temporarily until the end of August when I make the final move out of town.

I know, it is weird. An odd situation. But, we have become friends and he is trying to help me out. Help keep me from paying some rent, and since I still have quite a bit of stuff still at his house, it will make it easier to sort through everything. I can go from one big pile instead of a couple of different ones. Easier to move and easier to make sure I get all of my stuff (finally) out of his place.

What a wild ride this has been. And the end is an example of the entire ride. Moving back in with my ex. Not to mention how much time we have been spending together. As friends mind you, but still. We both detect the old feelings, the love, the loss, the friendship, what we had, what we lost, what might have been. A tinge bittersweet no doubt. But all in all positive.

And that is a selfish view for me. I get to experience this and then leave and go off into the great unknown that will be seminary.

I admit there is a part of me that will always stay with my ex. And there is a part of me, deep down, that hopes more can come in the future.

That is getting way ahead of the game. My focus is obvious and needs to be crystal clear.

The next few weeks are building up to something big.

And I cannot wait.

What does the Bible say about gay marriage?

What does the Bible actually say about gay marriage?

This is a good and concise read from the Huffington Post about gay marriage and the Bible has to say about not only that but same sex relationships in general.

While not entirely definitive it is good article.

These are things I found out for myself years ago. Unfortunately, most if not all conservative theologians have decided to ignore these facts. Yes, the things presented in this article are facts, not speculation.

The Bible is a great document, one that leads my life and influences who I am. But it is not without flaws. It is a document written by men, in an ancient society. With all of the cultural and political influences you might expect from that time.

It was not a good time to live in for a whole lot of people. And their writings showed that.

Despite that, the Bible is and will forever be inspirational and the focus of my faith and the faith of over a billion people on this planet.

But that doesn't mean we cannot see it in light and interpret bronze age thinking into modern day thinking.

Old treasures

I have been going through some old boxes of mine, tonight mainly collections of books and journals and writings from college.

What an eye opener! The books I read (and didn't read) and all of the other detritus from a past life.

But also the writings. I won't pat myself on the back and say I am impressed with previous writings I did, but only say I am definitely going to hang onto them and am inspired to write again. I have always wanted to start up writing again. Not for any hope of becoming a successful novelist really, but just to have a body of work that I like, maybe some others will like. Something I can point to and say, 'I did that'. Not necessarily a legacy, just something I can have. Something creative.

So tonight I started. I started off a story I wrote way back in college. It has lots of possibilities. Although in the intervening years some of my imagined story lines have already been done. I know I am creative enough to take the idea in new directions.

I love this idea, the creative process. I have no conception of where it might lead. Probably just for my own journal, maybe sharing with a few friends. But still, it is a good outlet.

Old treasures become new.

A New Dean for Christ Church

Today we learned who would be the new Dean and Rector of my home parish, Christ Church Cathedral.

The choice is a most excellent one, the Rev. Carol Wade. A link below has details on her background.

I only wish I could be present for at least some of her tenure.

Godspeed to my home parish as a new life is coming to them.

Former National Cathedral staffer to be new Dean of Christ Church Cathedral.