My discernment

I have officially begun my discernment.

The first meeting of my discernment committe met on Monday. The meeting itself was just an introductory meeting, nothing terribly important happened, just orientation and the scheduling of future meetings.

I think it's a good group. I know I will be challenged. I know it will be hard and will involve some work. Maybe, probably, a lot of work.

But, that's what this is. This process is not easy and it's just now beginning to become difficult. I hope I have the strength and courage to stay the path.

Crazy weekend

What a weekend, it was such a great time and unfortunately I wasn't able to appreciate it all.

My partner's mother was in town for the weekend, staying with us. She is a lot of fun.

Friday night we had dinner at a very cool contemporary restaurant just a couple of blocks away.

Saturday, we went on a winery tour. We had brunch at a very nice winery/bistro, then on to another for a wine tasting, and then finally to another winery who's scenery would rival if not eclipse any of the wineries in Napa or Sonoma, seriously.

Today for me started with church (which was chaotic, I may write about that later), then a very lazy afternoon and then a very nice dinner for us, my partner's mom, my partner's sister and her partner. Very nice, very cool. Very cool way to wrap up the weekend.

I am sitting by myself watching Family Guy right now as the weekend comes to a close.

I am so grateful for everything I have. I know I don't let my partner know how grateful I am for what he does. I spend my time either in confession for what I haven't done and the other half in joyous reflection for what I have.

What a weekend.

A little time in repose

I have had some time to reflect.

I'm not ok with my partner's complete dismissal of my calling to the priesthood. But, this might open up a different, more realistic path. That of the diaconate. To being an ordained deacon.

So I am being forced to be honest with myself. Maybe this is the calling I've had all along, I've never fancied going off to seminary, I've never quite fancied a complete separation from the secular world and I've always envisioned my role in the church as one of complete service. A deacon is a role of complete service, mainly to the bishop, but indeed to the church being served.

So perhaps this is an opportunity rather than an obstacle. An opportunity to recognize my true calling maybe? Who knows yet?

A bad turn

Right now I am having such a hard time with my calling vs my relationship with my partner.

He has become completely unsupportive. To the point of being combative.



This can't move forward without his support. I'm stuck.

I'm thinking the diaconate may be a choice. That is yet to be seen. He may very well be opposed to that as well, any ordained ministry may give him the creepy crawlies.

I am so troubled right now but I know God's will, will prevail.

The current situation

What a week it’s been. Since last Monday, The Episcopal Church reaffirmed passed two resolutions stating that the ordination process is open to all people and calling bishops to grant a pastoral response to gay and lesbian couples and start gathering materials for a future discussion on a formal liturgy, resolutions D025 and C056 respectively.

The initial responses were, as expected, as divided as they ever have been. Some strong conservative voices came out, most notably Bishop of Wright (CoE). There were also several responses from bishops within TEC on both sides, the conservative voice being aired quite a bit.

What hasn’t been seen are the official responses from places like Nigeria, Rwanda, Uganda etc. I think I expected a hailstorm of letters and op-ed pieces and a renewed call for the head of TEC on a silver platter ala John the Baptist.

Instead, relative silence. Oh I’m sure the responses will come. Maybe having ACNA is placating them for now as they feel sure (hopeful?) they will receive the much desired recognition from the Church of England.

Am I happy?

I have this mapping software at work, at various times when I have a slow moment and I need a break, I find it entertaining to ‘visit’ various places in the country and just zoom in and take a peak. You can only look at streets and certain various landmarks are noted, Google maps would probably work better, you can do an actual street view with that but I always have this at my fingertips.

Anyway, I found myself zooming into San Diego today. Ah, San Diego. I’ve been there twice, both times with a former partner. My list trip there was more than 10 years ago, give or take. But when I went I had not traveled much at all in my life so I quickly became enamored with the city. A dry, sunny 78 degrees for most of the year, it is a true paradise.

My partner and I broke up in 1999, eventually being able to become friends again. I suspect when we started hanging out again he secretly hoped we’d get back together. I won’t go into my evidence for that, but it just bears mentioning.

In 2000, he was approaching his graduation from college and was planning, as he always had, to move back to San Diego. You see, he had been stationed there when he joined the Navy out of high school. After leaving the Navy he stayed. I don’t remember how long he lived there but he eventually decided he wanted a better life so he came back to Kentucky to get his education and be with his family. Always planning on going back.

At this time in my life I had decided I wanted to move to a bigger city and San Diego seemed like the perfect move, bold, sunny, California! So we started making plans. Eventually those plans came to naught, for a couple of big reasons I won’t go into it right now.

Looking back on it, I don’t have 20/20 hindsight concerning the city or that time in my life. I don’t romanticize it. It’s a great place to be sure and that was a fun time for me.

However, I can’t help but wonder how my life would be going if there had been some way I actually upped and moved. Would I better off? Would I have found happiness?

When he first went out there, he very quickly met what seems to be a great guy. They moved in together and seemed happy. From his reports they seemed to be partying a lot, doing some things I found questionable, but who am I to judge? But part of is definitely glad I never had the opportunity to be involved with that. I haven’t here where I live, but I think I would have in San Diego. Would I even be alive today? I know I have a great capacity to do stupid things, my one saving grace is I tend to be introverted so I don’t get exposed to a lot of things just by virtue of that.

As I was staring at the map today I was reminded of the streets we went up and down in the Hillcrest neighborhood, University, Washington, Park. I wonder how his life is going, I wonder if he’s ok. Is he happy?

These days

What a life I lead. I have a new job, my discernment process has taken an 'official' turn and life in general seems to just be spiraling, not out of control, but in what seems at time a chaotic motion.

Right now I am adjusting to new work responsibilities, a new, appearance if you will, in church as people start knowing I'm in the process.

Seems like I have fewer and fewer venues for no stress these days.

Sunday

What a non-day.

Up somewhat early, had coffee, read the sports section, watched some tv, chilled and went to church.

Came home and we both chilled pretty good for most of the afternoon. Funny thing is, my fav tv show, Law & Order: SVU was a marathon on TNT. I started watching it, partner joined in, and then before we knew it, that was our entire afternoon. One episode after another. I loved it though, I loved the fact he watched my favorite show with me over and over.

Then it was time for wine and I had to, just had to, get somewhat of a workout in.

Long story short, all is well, the night is done. Partner is out, I'm off in another bed because he started earlier than me. I'm sitting here in bed on the computer with our girl dog. I'm cool.

Life is good.

Today

Today was weird.

Up early, off to Farmer's Market. Then a short walk around downtown. Then to brunch at Mia's. I had a couple of very watery, bad, bloody marys. All before noon.

Then a long nap.

Then, cleaning the house, working out and taking the dogs with me on a jog.

Watching the Preakness, drinks talking about the boat. Chris came over. We walked to Roots for dinner then back here and listened to music and drinking.

I'm the last one up.

I love these kinds of Saturdays.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Very early morning 5/16

Ok, so I currently hate my job, that's a given. The weekend is in full effect. So life is good.

Life is good for the most part. I'm not even going to bring up the most recent developments at work.

I know my relationship with God grows stronger every day. I pray every day for a stronger relationship and hope that the things I do will lead me further on that path.

Discernment / my partner

Well tonight was good. I talked with my partner again about my discernment process, i.e. becoming a priest. With some bumps along the conversation, things really turned out great. He wants me to pursue what I feel called to pursue, he feels it wouldn't be right to not pursue it. Given that, I still know there will be some big challenges along the way.

Ok, that's a big deal.

Now, hopefully, the rest will take care of itself.

Kung fu outside

Tonight my martial arts class was held outside at a local park. I knew the park and knew it'd be a royal pain getting there during rush hour and I was not disappointed.

Apparently I chose the completely wrong route to class and ending up being late despite leaving 20 minutes early.

Regardless, this was a somewhat new experience for me, having only had two previous martial arts classes outdoors and neither of them in a public park.

Thankfully there weren't any gawkers, just a hispanic family having a picnic in the shelter and some frat guys having a friendly game of something, cornhole, miniature golf? I'm not sure.

Class itself started off pretty standard, given the grass, wildly uneven ground, rocks bumps and everything else to throw me off. And to add in I was wearing extremtly old shoes that had lost all sense of padding.

The only part that really struck me was at one point towards the end of class, in fact near the very end, our instructor was giving some pointers, adding some advice and giving general advice in terms of practice, spirituality and what not. He was framed by the sunset fading over the trees. Something I won't soon forget. Pretty meaningful. I wish I had taken a picture.

Cool stuff.

Storms

I love a good thunderstorm, if I'm home and everything is taken care of. That is, I don't have any reason nor desire to leave the house.

It never seems to work out like that though.

Today we had a pretty good sized line of storms roll through and the bulk of it happened while I was at work. It was still happening after I got home but I was busy cleaning, straightening up, etc so I couldn't enjoy it.

Sounds strange, but yes I enjoy a nice strong thunderstorm.

I certainly don't want anyone to be hurt or property to be damaged, but I do love the thunder and lightning and the downpour of rain. There is a certain tranquility to it, the machine gun sound of raindrops hitting the roof, the cracking of lightning, the rolling thunder, the gray skies.

Of course by the time I got things settled and was ready to enjoy the night, the clouds had parted and the sun was shining. And although the sun shining has been a rare occurence around here for the last week or so, I secretly wished for another wave of storms to roll through here.

Feeling fat

Despite working out more than most people I know, I still feel fat!

I'm developing a double chin, what a crock! I don't eat a perfect diet but it's better than most.

I do have a weakness for wine, soda and the occasional gorging on chips and salsa. Add in my molasses like metabolism and I suppose that explains things.

So frustrating though to lift weights, go for a jog and still feel like a slug.

Whew

What a time to live in. For everyone it's chaotic, the economy is in turmoil, people are depressed, everything feels like it's in free fall.

In my life things are just as chaotic. Work is nuts and otherwise still trying to figure things out.

Ok, so more posts to come. I have some definite thoughts and opinions to express and I'll be putting them here.

Until then, cheers.

Been quite a while since posting last, not that anyone's reading. This is more a personal exercise for myself.

So much has gone on, I can't even begin to cover it all. The biggest is of couse the downward spiral of the economy. This has been tragic for so many people. For my work it is close to becoming catastrophic. But yet my coworkers and myself have maintained ourselves and even kept a sense of humor about the situation.

Beyond that, much is yet to come. Hopefully I'll be posting more in the coming days.