My discernment

I have officially begun my discernment.

The first meeting of my discernment committe met on Monday. The meeting itself was just an introductory meeting, nothing terribly important happened, just orientation and the scheduling of future meetings.

I think it's a good group. I know I will be challenged. I know it will be hard and will involve some work. Maybe, probably, a lot of work.

But, that's what this is. This process is not easy and it's just now beginning to become difficult. I hope I have the strength and courage to stay the path.

Crazy weekend

What a weekend, it was such a great time and unfortunately I wasn't able to appreciate it all.

My partner's mother was in town for the weekend, staying with us. She is a lot of fun.

Friday night we had dinner at a very cool contemporary restaurant just a couple of blocks away.

Saturday, we went on a winery tour. We had brunch at a very nice winery/bistro, then on to another for a wine tasting, and then finally to another winery who's scenery would rival if not eclipse any of the wineries in Napa or Sonoma, seriously.

Today for me started with church (which was chaotic, I may write about that later), then a very lazy afternoon and then a very nice dinner for us, my partner's mom, my partner's sister and her partner. Very nice, very cool. Very cool way to wrap up the weekend.

I am sitting by myself watching Family Guy right now as the weekend comes to a close.

I am so grateful for everything I have. I know I don't let my partner know how grateful I am for what he does. I spend my time either in confession for what I haven't done and the other half in joyous reflection for what I have.

What a weekend.

A little time in repose

I have had some time to reflect.

I'm not ok with my partner's complete dismissal of my calling to the priesthood. But, this might open up a different, more realistic path. That of the diaconate. To being an ordained deacon.

So I am being forced to be honest with myself. Maybe this is the calling I've had all along, I've never fancied going off to seminary, I've never quite fancied a complete separation from the secular world and I've always envisioned my role in the church as one of complete service. A deacon is a role of complete service, mainly to the bishop, but indeed to the church being served.

So perhaps this is an opportunity rather than an obstacle. An opportunity to recognize my true calling maybe? Who knows yet?

A bad turn

Right now I am having such a hard time with my calling vs my relationship with my partner.

He has become completely unsupportive. To the point of being combative.



This can't move forward without his support. I'm stuck.

I'm thinking the diaconate may be a choice. That is yet to be seen. He may very well be opposed to that as well, any ordained ministry may give him the creepy crawlies.

I am so troubled right now but I know God's will, will prevail.

The current situation

What a week it’s been. Since last Monday, The Episcopal Church reaffirmed passed two resolutions stating that the ordination process is open to all people and calling bishops to grant a pastoral response to gay and lesbian couples and start gathering materials for a future discussion on a formal liturgy, resolutions D025 and C056 respectively.

The initial responses were, as expected, as divided as they ever have been. Some strong conservative voices came out, most notably Bishop of Wright (CoE). There were also several responses from bishops within TEC on both sides, the conservative voice being aired quite a bit.

What hasn’t been seen are the official responses from places like Nigeria, Rwanda, Uganda etc. I think I expected a hailstorm of letters and op-ed pieces and a renewed call for the head of TEC on a silver platter ala John the Baptist.

Instead, relative silence. Oh I’m sure the responses will come. Maybe having ACNA is placating them for now as they feel sure (hopeful?) they will receive the much desired recognition from the Church of England.

Am I happy?

I have this mapping software at work, at various times when I have a slow moment and I need a break, I find it entertaining to ‘visit’ various places in the country and just zoom in and take a peak. You can only look at streets and certain various landmarks are noted, Google maps would probably work better, you can do an actual street view with that but I always have this at my fingertips.

Anyway, I found myself zooming into San Diego today. Ah, San Diego. I’ve been there twice, both times with a former partner. My list trip there was more than 10 years ago, give or take. But when I went I had not traveled much at all in my life so I quickly became enamored with the city. A dry, sunny 78 degrees for most of the year, it is a true paradise.

My partner and I broke up in 1999, eventually being able to become friends again. I suspect when we started hanging out again he secretly hoped we’d get back together. I won’t go into my evidence for that, but it just bears mentioning.

In 2000, he was approaching his graduation from college and was planning, as he always had, to move back to San Diego. You see, he had been stationed there when he joined the Navy out of high school. After leaving the Navy he stayed. I don’t remember how long he lived there but he eventually decided he wanted a better life so he came back to Kentucky to get his education and be with his family. Always planning on going back.

At this time in my life I had decided I wanted to move to a bigger city and San Diego seemed like the perfect move, bold, sunny, California! So we started making plans. Eventually those plans came to naught, for a couple of big reasons I won’t go into it right now.

Looking back on it, I don’t have 20/20 hindsight concerning the city or that time in my life. I don’t romanticize it. It’s a great place to be sure and that was a fun time for me.

However, I can’t help but wonder how my life would be going if there had been some way I actually upped and moved. Would I better off? Would I have found happiness?

When he first went out there, he very quickly met what seems to be a great guy. They moved in together and seemed happy. From his reports they seemed to be partying a lot, doing some things I found questionable, but who am I to judge? But part of is definitely glad I never had the opportunity to be involved with that. I haven’t here where I live, but I think I would have in San Diego. Would I even be alive today? I know I have a great capacity to do stupid things, my one saving grace is I tend to be introverted so I don’t get exposed to a lot of things just by virtue of that.

As I was staring at the map today I was reminded of the streets we went up and down in the Hillcrest neighborhood, University, Washington, Park. I wonder how his life is going, I wonder if he’s ok. Is he happy?

These days

What a life I lead. I have a new job, my discernment process has taken an 'official' turn and life in general seems to just be spiraling, not out of control, but in what seems at time a chaotic motion.

Right now I am adjusting to new work responsibilities, a new, appearance if you will, in church as people start knowing I'm in the process.

Seems like I have fewer and fewer venues for no stress these days.