Postulancy

Today I was accepted as a postulant for Holy Orders.

Now, that in and of itself doesn't carry any significance beyond the fact the Bishop of my diocese approved me to move forward and attend seminary. Not to make light of the event at all. Not at all. A lot of work and meeting with various committees had already taken place. I was quite nervous meeting with him as I had never done so. I still held out some thoughts that he would step in and put an end to it all (my self doubting always making its presence known). But having been through various committees and all the processes involved, I think it was just a matter of him figuring out if there were any red flags everyone else had missed. So, I guess not, now it is a matter of determining my formation. Point being, having the label of postulant is a formality. But there it is. A very important formality.

So now my decision concerning the next few years. And it is an extremely important decision. What path do I take? Where do I go to school? That will potentially have a huge influence on my career. How will finances influence my decision? What is the best fit for me? What of my other life, i.e. family, friends etc ?

Right now, I don't have the slightest idea.

I had been holding off going too far down the path of being settled on my path before I met with the Bishop. I needed to see where he was. Now I know I have a huge amount of input into this. For that I am extremely grateful. It also means I have a ton of work to do before I meet with him again in a few weeks.

My journey has been one of joy and great mystery. And I mean mystery in the best possible sense. There are so many steps along the way that have lead me to this point, and, I have many, many more. More than I can imagine. The most obvious path as the bishop put it, the normative path, is to be a parish priest. But I also see a world of opportunities out there, a hospital chaplain, prison chaplain, street minister, liberal rabble rouser, heck, why not?

I sit here late at night, well, early in the morning to be exact. contemplating the hurts and losses in my life, the joys, the highs, the lows. The people I have known and may not ever really 'know' again, the friends I have had, will continue to have and the friends yet to come.

I am rambling, but those are my thoughts right now. I think, even hours after my meeting, I am running on adrenaline.

My life continues to take spins and spirals.

And for that in many ways I am grateful. Life is not boring. But even more than that, I am fulfilling a call that at times I cannot explain. At other times I can explain it so easy a child could understand. And I take heart in that last sentiment. Sometimes I think we need to approach life and our direction, as a child full of wonder. I know I try to.

Being full of wonder provides for some amazing moments and plenty of opportunities.

I know that is my state right now. I don't want want to limit myself.

I think for now I will wait for the oncoming rain and pray.