Solitude

Tonight I went for a late jog. Not having a set schedule affords me the luxury of being able to set my own. So I have found myself becoming more and more of a nightowl. I prefer that time of day. Maybe I have a little vampire in me? I don't know.

So tonight I went for a jog a little after 10. Ten o clock on a chilly Sunday night pretty much guarantees a great deal of quietness and solitude. It was great. As I was jogging I took notice of the night sky, it was very clear tonight. I stopped about midway through my run and just looked up at the sky. The stars were very clear tonight. I've never been a fan of knowing the constellations, it kind of seems abstract to me. But I know a few. Orion's Belt always stands out to me. I saw it tonight. I do like being able to pick it out, along with the Big Dipper. And I can usually spot Venus, sometimes Jupiter.

I don't know the entire history of how the mapping of constellations came to be. I know they were used for navigation by sailors. And a part of me likes to think that people long ago were trying to make some kind of order out of chaos. Trying to structure the stars to fit some kind of understanding they could hold on to.

I was reminded of how God makes me, and everyone, make some sense of order in our lives amid the chaos that is human existence. For me, I have had some sense of chaos recently. Not tragic happenings, not anything that cannot be overcome by any means. But still, for me, some jarring losses and transitions that I still seem to struggle to overcome.

But God is present always to help make sense of it all.

Tonight I had a great bit of solitude while out jogging. But I also felt exposed to the universe, running underneath the naked night sky. So I also felt joined with, well, with God, with other people, I don't know. But in my solitude I knew I wasn't alone.

All is well.

Prayer markers

Ok, I lied about not being inspired to write tonight.

Today (well, technically for me yesterday at this point) was the last day before Advent. This Sunday is the first Sunday of Advent.

It signals many things but the one thing that was very obvious tonight was the need to switch and update my prayer books.

The Daily Office books of the Episcopal Church are in two, they go in cycles, one for one year, then alternate to the other. It has to do with the scriptural readings, so that the important readings of the Bible are read over the course of two years.

So tonight I had to put one prayer book away and pick up the one I hadn't used since last November/December. I noticed my marking was still on the last Saturday before Advent for last year.

A marker in time. I looked back to my life at that time last year. Some good, some bad. But the point is, it is a chance to reflect on a moment in time. Not just a moment in time for prayer and my life in the church, but it reminds me of my life at that time last year. A simple ribbon marker being moved in a prayer book tells of a life, a life in transition.

So as I moved my ribbon markers on my Daily Office books and my monastic books, it spoke to me that life continues, it goes on. Bad things happen. Good things happen. But life progresses. The ribbon markers of our lives continue to move

Some Xmas decorations

I felt like adding something to the blog tonight but am not feeling inspired to actually write anything. So here is a picture of some Christmas crafts/decorations my niece made for me.

Giving thanks

A very nice Thanksgiving and birthday. Fairly low key. I was able to spend most of the day with my parents, sister, niece and others. Everything went really well, no drama at all unlike some other people's Thanksgiving experiences.

It made me so incredibly thankful for the family I have. It is really incredible the amount of love and support that surrounds me and uplifts me, especially in these days when I am facing some of the hardest times of my life.

Thanks be to God.

Kung Fu

I went back to my martial arts class tonight. I had stopped going back in the summer due to stress and then when I found out I was going to be laid off, well, it didn't seem prudent to spend money on anything extra.

But my instructor offered me a deal, free classes in exchange for helping him market his school. I of course gladly accepted.

In times of crisis you really see the true side of people, hopefully it is a good side more often than not.

Being able to start up my training again is a huge blessing. Tonight was just great. I felt right back at home again.

The training definitely helps with my mental as well as physical well being. I thought I had been staying in shape, I certainly didn't feel like it after about 30 minutes.

What great fun. I am so thankful to have this in my life.

My birthday dinner

Today my ex-partner called and invited me to a late lunch to celebrate my birthday. While I was surprised, on some level I wasn't. Regardless, it was something he didn't have to do.

Because of my schedule, mainly dealing with the unemployment office, the late lunch ended up being an early dinner.

He almost kept apologizing for not doing more. I was well, humbled. For all that has passed between us for him to pretty much feel obligated to still honor my birthday, well. I'm not quite sure what to think.

It was a perfectly fine meal, appetizers, wine, we ordered our actual dinner to go. And that was it.

He stopped at my place for a bit. We watched tv, had a drink and he went home.

I think my confusion has been taken up a notch.

A parishioner I visit

A parishioner I visit at my current placement site was admitted to the cancer ward at the local university hospital.

He was homebound, having suffered first years ago from a massive stroke from which he had to relearn almost every single, simple function of life. And once he did that and was on his feet and living on his own and independent, well then, he was struck with what is turning out to be terminal cancer.

I have prayed for him and with him. The incredible thing is, his spirit has not broken. Not one bit.

His hope lives on. I don't know if due to his previous condition of dealing with the massive stroke he is able to comprehend what is really going on. But you know what? So what?

He lives, he has spirit and is fighting. This latest setback is pretty big and I have yet to process it myself.

I know in my visits with him, he has given me more than I could possibly give him. I know God is with him right now.

I pray.

I hope.

And in the end, God is with him and with us all.

My heart is heavy regardless.

C.S. Lewis

Yesterday was the feast day of C.S. Lewis. His theology is famous, his tales of Narnia even moreso. I am especially fond of the Narnia tales having grown up with them.

I found this fun video (I tried to imbed it but youtube wouldn't let me):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LizIC6tHNRY

Enjoy.

Cats in Hawaii

Tomorrow (well, actually later today) UK takes on Oklahoma in the Maui Classic. The first true test of all of our new freshman talent.

http://www.mauiinvitational.com/index.asp

A lot of stuff to filter tonight

Tonight my ex-partner invited me over to hang out, have dinner and celebrate a mutual friends 50th birthday. Along with her husband and another gay couple. These are all people I met through him but by virtue of knowing them for several years at this point, I consider them friends as well.

My ex-partner and I have hung out several times over the last few weeks and months. We seem to get along well as friends, especially if we are having a glass of wine or two. Tonight was no exception. And there have been occasions when there was one, sometimes two other people present that were originally friends of his, and over the years came to know us as a couple.

Tonight the dynamic was different. I felt uncomfortable the entire time, not because of anything anyone said or anything anyone did. I just felt weird. I love these people. One of them I haven't seen since my breakup, the other three I've only seen once. I have missed them terribly and wanted to know how they’ve been and what is going on in their lives. But I couldn't help thinking what they were thinking, why was I there? Does my ex-partner still want me around? Do I still want to be around? Why did we breakup? And maybe, hopefully, they weren't thinking of any of that. I hope they were glad to see me. I was certainly ecstatic to see them. I hope we were able to share some moments together.

In the lifetime of a person so much passes. Friends, emotions, hurt feelings, disappointments, loves lost and gained, highs, lows, accomplishments, failures. That list isn't even close to complete.

As the night drew closer and closer to an end, I found myself at the dinner table with two of these friends. My ex-partner and two others had gone to the basement to listen to music.

I found myself growing distant from their conversation. I think it was the moment. I don't have much in common at all with these friends when it comes to work. And they aren't church going people. So when they start talking shop and mutual clients I listen. I enjoy their stories, they are funny people. But this was different, I just felt like I was drifting away.

Then we all moved to the basement to partake in the rest of the festivities. I found myself playing with my dogs (that I share with my ex-partner). I felt withdrawn, certainly a moment of sadness. A reminder of the loss, what I miss, what I don't miss, the traits of a person I still love, the person I can never see myself with again, but yet still mourn what has passed.

I played with the dogs for quite a bit, I had kept them the night before but I treasure any chance I get to spend time with them.

But I eventually snuck out. Perhaps the proper thing would have been to say my goodbyes to friends I had longed so much to see. But this get together wasn't about me. They were having a good time, and I felt it was time for me to leave. I will see them again. I will see my ex-partner again, probably soon, will probably talk to him tomorrow. And I look forward to that. Only because I still want him in my life as a friend. To some that may seem crazy and I think it is on some level. But it is purely a friendship. And it is a friendship I like having. Does it hurt at times? Does it remind me of a whole host of things? Yes and yes. But, I know I, and he, are better off. It's a confusing time I guess. Perhaps I'm rambling. But we seem to be linked. This is painful for me to think, say and write, but my discernment process is fresher and healthier as a single person.

I cannot go back to what was, only look ahead to what can be. And that brings me to this. As we sat around the dinner table tonight, after dinner, coconut cream pie and a birthday toast of champagne, the birthday girl lamented about not having enough of a lifetime to do everything she wanted to. Not enough time to be all the different things she is interested in, archaeologist, writer, doctor, even a hotel maid, Peace Corps, whatever. And not enough time to learn everything she wanted to learn. And to his credit, my ex-partner kept asking, why not? You still have years, plenty of years hopefully, have a dream and do it. Now, I wish his sentiments would have held true concerning my discernment, but still, I appreciated his reactions to her statements.

And as we all went around the table discussing our hopes and dreams for ourselves for our future years, it all came down to wanting to do something to help humanity and serve the greater good.

I became lost in a sea of emotions and thoughts. As much as I've questioned my call over the last few weeks, this moment smacked the crap out of me. I am in a process, on a path to do something that I not only love but feel called by God to do. Why in hell do I question that? How $#&%^ing stupid can I be? This is my time. I haven't had fear before, why now?

It gave me some much needed courage.

I don't know where this path will lead me to be honest. I have been completely ok with that for a long time. I love the mystery this process brings and certainly the joy as well. I am finding that mystery again. I think I am once again ok with the knowledge that I really don't know what is going to happen. I know my call continues and feel I am headed towards ordained ministry. But I also know I am going to be ok regardless.

Right now I can only think of two things.

Peace.

Thanks be to God.

Benediction for Obama's Inaugural by the Reverend Dr. Lowery

No matter what has happened or will happen with Obama's presidency, or what we expected and hoped for and what has been delivered, there is still that magical moment in time when all was right with the world and we were in awe.

Michael Vick

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/40207194/ns/sports-nfl/

Just watching Michael Vick makes me sick. How can someone like this become a sports hero again? In my opinion his sports career should have been over. This is ridiculous. I wonder if he has even one ounce of sincere sorrow for the dogs he tortured and killed?

Catching my breath

I’m not quite sure where my head is these days. I have found peace in dealing with impending unemployment. Why I don’t know, maybe it’s a survival instinct. I’m actually looking forward to some time off next week. I don’t have any more confidence I will land a great job. But, I’ve accepted that. Not that I’m not looking of course, I certainly am and applying when I find something, it is just that, well, maybe this is part of the overall plan.

I don’t subscribe to the belief that everything that happens is part of God’s master plan. Sometimes, things just happen. Bad stuff happens, good stuff happens. The difficulty lies in discerning how it does fit into the overall plan, but things happening because they were meant to? I can’t quite buy that. I do think a discerning spirit and an open heart will realize the blessings when they appear. I, for some reason, feel I have developed that. Not being one to toot my own horn, I don’t like proclaiming something like that, but I do feel I am able to see God at work, either directly or indirectly in my life.

So the point being, I’m free. Going back to last April, I am free from a relationship. Although at the time and for much of the summer and on into the fall I suppose having a relationship would have felt better than being ‘free’. Sometimes being free doesn’t always feel that good. Anyway, now I am free from a job. Now, I fully realize in this particular moment that I am writing this I am totally trying to extract some form of silver lining out of this. So be it. But maybe, just maybe this is another opportunity handed to me.

You see, going back to my relationship, my partner was never on board with my discernment, at least not on board 100%. Me going through this wasn’t the cause of the end of the relationship, but it was a factor. Among all the other held in resentments, hurts, hard feelings (all of that on both sides), this was a factor. And for that I still feel very sorry about. I never made this a make or break thing with him, I would never have sacrificed a loving relationship to continue on with my discernment, I don’t think God would have wanted me to. But as it worked itself out, it ended for other reasons. And because of that, and once I got past the hurt and every other negative emotion, there was definitely a sense of being let loose. And even now I hate thinking of it in those terms because I don’t want to diminish the relationship we had.

And so now in my current state, getting past the whirlwind I am and will continue to be in is a struggle and I imagine it won’t abate any time soon. But, I am able to extract that silver lining and try to see God at work. Now suppose I up and land a great job in an office next week. I still think the lesson I am learning is, don’t imagine you own or are owned by, the ‘things’ in your life. The relationships, the job, car, gadgets, your other stuff, whatever. Because it can all go away tomorrow and what remains is God. I need to be ready for that reality and perhaps that is what I am learning now. It is one thing to know it, and think you know it through and through. It is another thing to live it.

The other part of this is the sense of being set free. Not having a job to go to is scary for me, I’ve had stable employment for years now, never once truly fearing for not having it. Being fortunate enough to be successful and moving up. But having that taken away, well I am being forced to look at new opportunities, a new life perhaps, I’m not sure exactly how to phrase it. But, at least for now I can tell my corporate masters to kiss my #$s J

Beyond that my mind continues to wander. I am much more of a night person and love to sleep in as much as possible in the morning. But recently I have been getting up earlier and earlier, wide awake at 4 or 5 or 6. I know it’s due to anxiety. But I don’t necessarily wake up feeling anxious. I’m just awake.

So I get up and enjoy the quietness, the darkness outside. And I am able to connect with my prayer life in a way that doesn’t seem able to come like that at any other time of the day. At my ex-partner’s house I actually had a habit for a long time of getting up at that time of the morning to read morning prayer. And it never failed, as I would be sitting in the backroom by these large windows overlooking the backyard, and everything was pitch black, I would sit there and hear the lonesome call of a train blowing its whistle off in the dark somewhere.

Those are the moments I long for when it comes to praying. It feels as if nothing else exists in the world except you and God. And maybe the dogs stirring and whining to go out. But beyond that, nothing, not the stress of the upcoming day, the job, whatever else, it just doesn’t seem to exist in those moments.

I’m not quite sure where I was going with that, maybe just that I’ve been able to reconnect in that way. Perhaps that is another gift from God that I can see, in the midst of everything else, maybe God is pulling me up out of my slumber at 5 am so I can be with Him (or Her) and spend a few moments together truly free of distractions.
Maybe it’s God willing me to awake. Or maybe I’m just filled with anxiety, who knows?

Time to catch my breath?

These days I am seriously questioning my call. It hits me in terms of paying for seminary, giving up my much loved role of verger at the Cathedral. Some days I long to just go back, be involved as a verger and have a comfort zone.

Have a comfort zone in my life for the first time in months. I think that is all I want.

I struggle with this. The call isn't about being comfortable. It is about being challenged.

But really, I just need some time I think. A few weeks, a few months, to be comfortable. To regroup.

Hope lives

I am so tired of politics but yet I am very passionate about my beliefs and the candidates I support. Regardless of the overall election results, hope persists, hope lives, fear and hate will not win out in the end.

Evensong at Westminster Abby - London

This is clearly someone with a cameraphone or smartphone so the video quality isn't there but the music quality definitely is. And thanks be to God for the person who took it. Enjoy.