Adjusting at the end of the 1st semester

I have had a tumultuous go of it recently. Not necessarily bad, just a bit chaotic.

I have had some very nice results from classes. My grades seem to be going well. But as soon as I felt ok with grades and classes I was presented with other stresses as I previously wrote about.

And as the month has progressed I have felt a building stress concerning the overall factor of adjusting.

Sometimes I feel like I have adjusted, I'm here, I feel the rhythm, I love the life, etc etc. But then I have almost extreme moments where I feel so separated from my previous life (which should probably be normal) distance from the dogs (which I hate), and even a disconnect at times with life here at seminary.

Sometimes these feelings all happen within the same day and I hate those days so much.

Sometimes they happen from day to day, but I never hit a stride of feeling completely awesome for several days in a row (which I do not like) nor do I hit a stride of being depressed for any great length of time (of which I am extremely thankful for).

The key to life is balance. Seminary tries to bring that in some ways. The balance in prayer life (the days being bookended by morning prayer and evening prayer or eucharist), with the obvious dose of academics/classes. The physical aspect is absent but I take care of that on my own.

But balance is so hard to attain in a normal setting much less here. If I let myself become consumed with seminary life, as I should sometimes, I lose sight of some things I love and find important. That isn't good. But if I dwell on those aspects it goes the other direction, often disastrously.

I had a conversation with a senior last night outside and he admitted to me adjustment takes about a year. I can see that and I thank him for sharing that. It really hasn't been that long to be here and adjust to an entirely new life. But yet we are either expected to have done so or we need to do so in order to survive.

The reality is, this shit takes time!

I know I am where I am supposed to be, as the saying goes.

So, I will allow myself as much time as it takes. I won't rush it and just accept any obstacles, problems, adjustments etc as I need to.

There is much joy to rest in, the stressful stuff will be dealt with as it comes.

Schism begets schism

As predicted by many, the schism being sought by the homophobic right is leading to even more schism. They can't keep their shit straight and want further power, control and whatever else it is they seek.

This happened before with the continuing Anglican movement and was widely predicted with this movement. It is almost sad to see them be so ignorant, ignore the history and then fall prey to the same things that their previous brethren did. Hate begets hate. Schism begets schism.

One would think a hateful bigot would learn that lesson at some point.

Schism begets schism

Daily struggles

I face many struggles in seminary, as do all my fellow seminarians. The main one that is presenting itself is financial. I won't go into details about that, it should be obvious.

The other is social, adapting to new people, which has happened and continues to happen.

Another is the breaking away, the letting go, of the old life, of home, etc.

These continually confront me. I think if the financial part was rock solid I would have more mental and emotional energy to deal with the other issues. But who knows?

Last night we had a very special service, a Solemn Evensong and Installation of the new Dead of Bexley Hall, and I had the honor of being the verger. It was a grand service, exemplifying the Episcopal tradition. It was a reminder to me of why I am not only an Episcopalian but why I feel called to be a priest.

The careful attention to liturgy and how the liturgy uplifts the worship of the people and enhances it.

It was glorious.

Those are the moments I cling to and that bring me strength in the midst of my day to day struggles.

May God bless me (and everyone) with moments that strengthen us throughout our daily struggles.

Costs and burdens of CPE

As I get a grasp on one thing here in seminary life, another thing immediately pops up to give me stress.

I just recently started feeling more accustomed to class, more comfortable. And that really came with receiving some initial grades and feedback on some major papers and exams. It was a huge boon, not to my ego, but perhaps to my self confidence that yeah, this just might turn out ok. In fact, I was elated.

And not soon thereafter, just within a couple of days I am faced with having to determine where I will do CPE. This typically takes place the summer after the first year. So now is the time to figure it out.

I originally thought that you just did these programs. Sometimes you could be lucky in finding a stipend or such.

Today we had representatives from several local and nearby CPE programs on campus that we could meet with. In my first conversation it was made abundantly clear that stipends are only offered in exceptional circumstances and they always involve needing previous CPE experience and being a year long residence. Ok. Well, beyond that, CPE actually requires you to pay the institution you are doing your program at. On one level I understand it. And the cost isn't heinous ($600 or so), but is still prohibitive for a cash strapped seminary student.

So here is what has been running through my head all day: CPE is required by most dioceses (including mine), which means I have to take a course that is a full time job (Mon-Fri 8-5), you have to pay money to do it, and doing the course means you will not be able to have any sort of gainful employment during the summer (when the vast majority of these programs take place). So I can't make any extra money during the summer, I have to pay money to take this extra program, and did I mention that since I won't be enrolled in classes (I can't because of doing CPE) I'm not eligible for financial aid?

So where in the freaking hell am I supposed to come up with the money to live, pay for CPE, buy food and just generally exist?

Really? Who is the mental giant that came up with this program?

I swear, some of this stuff is just done to add extra burdens on students, as a test.

Not looking forward to this.

Vick wants sympathy?!

So, Michael Vick wants sympathy for his recent misfortunes? He broke his wrist this Sunday and suffered a sort of concussion last Sunday. Now he is blaming the referees for not calling the appropriate penalties when defensive players tackle him.

Really?

Really?

A dog killer who has been given a second chance on a million dollar career playing a game based on tossing a ball around, is going to complain about this? NO sympathy here.

If Vick wants sympathy perhaps he should start to explain how he had zero sympathy for the dogs that were murdered by him and others. Yes, murdered.

I have zero sympathy for the dog killer Vick. Karma has yet to exact her full revenge on him as far as I am concerned.

Not a Christian response I know, but so be it.

Michael Vick wants sympathy? What?!

Figuring it out

I've spent quite a bit of time adjusting to life here. So what very little energy I ever devoted to writing on this blog has been non-existent. I'm surprised I managed even what I have so far.

But things are starting to hit what I was looking for, an equilibrium. Not perfection, just some idea of a balance, I know what is going on, what is expected and am starting to have an idea of what is required to accomplish those things.

The part I continue to wrestle with is the social and emotional aspect. As a man, an adult, having lived through the things I have, feel like I am very capable of being independent, living on my own etc.

But I find myself at times lonely, upset, whatever. It is just like being back in college, when I did my undergrad. Figuring out human relationships, how to make friends, how to find stuff to do, esp when I don't have much if any spare money to throw on dinner, clubs etc.

I am in the place I am supposed to be. I cannot imagine any other place I should be right now. This is it.

I just need to figure out how to make everything work. It will.

I trust in God, God called me so God will allow a path for me to figure it out.

Messing up

By virtue of the electronic system put in place for assignments/readings etc to be assigned, I missed my very first writing assignment.

Now to be fair, the professor, whom I like quite a bit, was very gracious. Especially as I wasn't the only one to have done so.

Still, I was almost devastated. I missed turning in an assignment? In my second week of seminary? What the hell?

Again, the professor was gracious, told me to not even worry about it, she understood this system was new and could be confusing and we were all figuring it out.

But....

We had evening prayer right after class.

As the service went on my feelings of failure built. My stress magnified.

By the time the service was over it was all I could do to grab my bag and head back to my room.

I was almost shattered. In my second week of school I had already messed up. F*&ked up. Whatever.

I know the professor said/thought it wasn't such a big deal. But I had somehow missed everything, missed the assignment, messed up. Whatever.

I broke down once I got to my room. The stress of a new life, the work, messing up. It all came to bear.

I think I am ok now. I know I am better. Ok? We shall see.