Solitude

Tonight I went for a late jog. Not having a set schedule affords me the luxury of being able to set my own. So I have found myself becoming more and more of a nightowl. I prefer that time of day. Maybe I have a little vampire in me? I don't know.

So tonight I went for a jog a little after 10. Ten o clock on a chilly Sunday night pretty much guarantees a great deal of quietness and solitude. It was great. As I was jogging I took notice of the night sky, it was very clear tonight. I stopped about midway through my run and just looked up at the sky. The stars were very clear tonight. I've never been a fan of knowing the constellations, it kind of seems abstract to me. But I know a few. Orion's Belt always stands out to me. I saw it tonight. I do like being able to pick it out, along with the Big Dipper. And I can usually spot Venus, sometimes Jupiter.

I don't know the entire history of how the mapping of constellations came to be. I know they were used for navigation by sailors. And a part of me likes to think that people long ago were trying to make some kind of order out of chaos. Trying to structure the stars to fit some kind of understanding they could hold on to.

I was reminded of how God makes me, and everyone, make some sense of order in our lives amid the chaos that is human existence. For me, I have had some sense of chaos recently. Not tragic happenings, not anything that cannot be overcome by any means. But still, for me, some jarring losses and transitions that I still seem to struggle to overcome.

But God is present always to help make sense of it all.

Tonight I had a great bit of solitude while out jogging. But I also felt exposed to the universe, running underneath the naked night sky. So I also felt joined with, well, with God, with other people, I don't know. But in my solitude I knew I wasn't alone.

All is well.

Prayer markers

Ok, I lied about not being inspired to write tonight.

Today (well, technically for me yesterday at this point) was the last day before Advent. This Sunday is the first Sunday of Advent.

It signals many things but the one thing that was very obvious tonight was the need to switch and update my prayer books.

The Daily Office books of the Episcopal Church are in two, they go in cycles, one for one year, then alternate to the other. It has to do with the scriptural readings, so that the important readings of the Bible are read over the course of two years.

So tonight I had to put one prayer book away and pick up the one I hadn't used since last November/December. I noticed my marking was still on the last Saturday before Advent for last year.

A marker in time. I looked back to my life at that time last year. Some good, some bad. But the point is, it is a chance to reflect on a moment in time. Not just a moment in time for prayer and my life in the church, but it reminds me of my life at that time last year. A simple ribbon marker being moved in a prayer book tells of a life, a life in transition.

So as I moved my ribbon markers on my Daily Office books and my monastic books, it spoke to me that life continues, it goes on. Bad things happen. Good things happen. But life progresses. The ribbon markers of our lives continue to move

Some Xmas decorations

I felt like adding something to the blog tonight but am not feeling inspired to actually write anything. So here is a picture of some Christmas crafts/decorations my niece made for me.

Giving thanks

A very nice Thanksgiving and birthday. Fairly low key. I was able to spend most of the day with my parents, sister, niece and others. Everything went really well, no drama at all unlike some other people's Thanksgiving experiences.

It made me so incredibly thankful for the family I have. It is really incredible the amount of love and support that surrounds me and uplifts me, especially in these days when I am facing some of the hardest times of my life.

Thanks be to God.

Kung Fu

I went back to my martial arts class tonight. I had stopped going back in the summer due to stress and then when I found out I was going to be laid off, well, it didn't seem prudent to spend money on anything extra.

But my instructor offered me a deal, free classes in exchange for helping him market his school. I of course gladly accepted.

In times of crisis you really see the true side of people, hopefully it is a good side more often than not.

Being able to start up my training again is a huge blessing. Tonight was just great. I felt right back at home again.

The training definitely helps with my mental as well as physical well being. I thought I had been staying in shape, I certainly didn't feel like it after about 30 minutes.

What great fun. I am so thankful to have this in my life.

My birthday dinner

Today my ex-partner called and invited me to a late lunch to celebrate my birthday. While I was surprised, on some level I wasn't. Regardless, it was something he didn't have to do.

Because of my schedule, mainly dealing with the unemployment office, the late lunch ended up being an early dinner.

He almost kept apologizing for not doing more. I was well, humbled. For all that has passed between us for him to pretty much feel obligated to still honor my birthday, well. I'm not quite sure what to think.

It was a perfectly fine meal, appetizers, wine, we ordered our actual dinner to go. And that was it.

He stopped at my place for a bit. We watched tv, had a drink and he went home.

I think my confusion has been taken up a notch.

A parishioner I visit

A parishioner I visit at my current placement site was admitted to the cancer ward at the local university hospital.

He was homebound, having suffered first years ago from a massive stroke from which he had to relearn almost every single, simple function of life. And once he did that and was on his feet and living on his own and independent, well then, he was struck with what is turning out to be terminal cancer.

I have prayed for him and with him. The incredible thing is, his spirit has not broken. Not one bit.

His hope lives on. I don't know if due to his previous condition of dealing with the massive stroke he is able to comprehend what is really going on. But you know what? So what?

He lives, he has spirit and is fighting. This latest setback is pretty big and I have yet to process it myself.

I know in my visits with him, he has given me more than I could possibly give him. I know God is with him right now.

I pray.

I hope.

And in the end, God is with him and with us all.

My heart is heavy regardless.