A time to briefly reflect

I am starting to hit one of the many brick walls I anticipated.

This one isn't huge, but nonetheless it is there.

What am I doing here? Am I going to be successful? How will I pay for all of this? Seriously!

And then I stop myself. Sometimes I just go into silence. Sometimes I very quietly start to weep. Weep, cry, for what I've left behind. For the hard work yet to come. The stress. The change. Everything. Why not cry?

And I (hopefully) collect myself. This change is huge and traumatic. It is a change that affects every level of my being. So yeah, traumatic is an ok word to use.

So the wall I've hit?

Hopefully a minor obstacle. But it is there. Questioning, wondering, sadness, loneliness. I am in all those places. I don't want to be in at least two of those places, but, well, there it is.

This wall will pass within a day or so. And then perhaps another one will present itself. This is a life in transition. Assimilation. A work in progress if you will.

May God uphold me, lift me up, preserve and provide for me in these days ahead.

UCC minister is flat out wrong

This particular article is making the rounds among my church friends and they all seem to be falling over themselves in drooling admiration of it.

UCC Minister dismisses unchurched


I for one find it repugnant.

While I understand her point, I also find her commentary/response not only harsh but irresponsible.

I have been that person she speaks of. And saying I am spiritual but not religious isn't someone being lazy necessarily, perhaps it is someone saying it out of fear. Fear of organized religion. Fear of any number of things. And some of those fears are justified.

I find this article quite harsh and to be honest very unnecessary to an overall conversation of how we express ourselves as Christians.

For example, perhaps I am someone wanting a connection with God, but yet afraid of organized religion and I express myself in this way to this particular minister on a plane flight. And then she decides to move seats to sit beside a Christian she finds more acceptable. What would then be my impression of not just organized religion but Christianity? She moved seats to be near someone she could hold hands with and sing kumba ya, dismissing me entirely? Seriously? Is this lady that arrogant?

This particular minister is being dismissive and irresponsible with this article. I hope if she has any crisis of faith other people aren't so dismissive of her.

I don't want anything to do with her line of thinking.

Rhythm

Life at seminary for me (so far) is about finding the rhythm. The movement between classes, studying, taking of my personal life (exercise, going to the grocery etc) and of course the very important need of daily chapel.

It started to strike me today that, yes, I am in seminary. I am here, I am a seminary student.

This happened as I am slowly starting to feel the rhythm. It will become easier and I know there will be some (many?) times when the rhythm I long for goes completely out the window and everything is chaos with papers and exams swarming upon me.

But for now, I am letting some of those last vestiges of anxiety wilt away even as new ones will start to creep in.

This is a learning process, just learning how to fit in, how to live, how to make things work.

First weekend

My first weekend away from home is drawing to a close.

My reflections aren't yet crystal clear due to the fact I feel as if I am still recovering from my sickness. Nothing major at this point, just some general tiredness, lethargy etc.

But life here seems to be much more active on Friday nights. Saturday night has been extremely quiet. I know everyone may not be on campus yet, but still. That seems to be the rhythm so far and I understand it. Sunday is when everyone goes to church and I'm sure many people are going off to serve in a congregation or perhaps some form of outreach.

It is a weird dynamic. One I don't mind, in fact if this is truly the way things are I think I will like it. I want to 'do things' on the weekend to be sure, hang out, be in community, go out, have cocktails, whatever. But having the sense so far that everyone here isn't partying is refreshing and reassuring. Sort of lessens the pressure to feel like I need to be out and about. That having a quiet night to oneself is ok.

Just some initial observations. Things may indeed change once the academic year gets into full swing.

Finally here

I am finally at seminary.

That deserves a deep breath from myself.

I am settling in, trying the best I can that is. Things are going well, esp considering this is my first weekend away from my old life and I am ok. A couple of glasses of wine helps. And eventually overcoming a case of walking pneumonia helps a whole lot as well. I haven't had any energy beyond existing for the last 2-3 weeks. Being able to do a workout tonight was a treat, something I hadn't been able to do and enjoy and not be completely wasted afterwards.

So things are moving in a very positive direction.

Orientation was very good, a little overwhelming as is to be expected, but I am glad that part is over. Now, regular life.

A life of prayer, formation, fellowship and of course classes, papers and everything else that comes with it.

I already miss my dogs. But I've made my peace with how things will move forward. Hopefully I can find a place where I can keep them. I'm not sure about that, but we'll see.

Having a completely new life can be quite consuming. It will take a bit of time but I am so excited, and honored, to be in this place studying to do God's work in the church.

US over Brazil

This is old news by now but I had to say something about it. The US women's soccer team (yes, soccer dangit) made an unbelievable comeback against Brazil.

Overcoming horrible officiating by Australian referee Jacqui Melksham (bad enough that in my opinion she should be rebuked, reviewed or something else) the US team were down a women from the 65th minute on. Not to mention the questionable call on the penalty kick and the ridiculous call on the penalty that started the whole thing.

They tied it in the latest minute ever in the history of the women's World Cup and I want to say the men's as well but I don't know that for a fact.

And then they won it on penalty kicks with Hope Solo (what an awesome name) making a save that proved the difference. What a game! I watched most of it starting from the midpoint of the first half. I love these girls. Ladies. Women. Whatever we're supposed to refer to them as. I love them.

Last minute goal saves the day

Digging up the past to move on

Tonight I have begun packing up my stuff to get ready to move. But not yet ready to move to seminary, but back into my ex's house. Just temporarily until the end of August when I make the final move out of town.

I know, it is weird. An odd situation. But, we have become friends and he is trying to help me out. Help keep me from paying some rent, and since I still have quite a bit of stuff still at his house, it will make it easier to sort through everything. I can go from one big pile instead of a couple of different ones. Easier to move and easier to make sure I get all of my stuff (finally) out of his place.

What a wild ride this has been. And the end is an example of the entire ride. Moving back in with my ex. Not to mention how much time we have been spending together. As friends mind you, but still. We both detect the old feelings, the love, the loss, the friendship, what we had, what we lost, what might have been. A tinge bittersweet no doubt. But all in all positive.

And that is a selfish view for me. I get to experience this and then leave and go off into the great unknown that will be seminary.

I admit there is a part of me that will always stay with my ex. And there is a part of me, deep down, that hopes more can come in the future.

That is getting way ahead of the game. My focus is obvious and needs to be crystal clear.

The next few weeks are building up to something big.

And I cannot wait.