Serving

My life seems to be a mess. The main reason is I know in the very near future, I will be without a job. But, things can always be worse.

The main focus for continues to be my discernment. I served at the Church of Resurrection this past Sunday. I carried the Gospel book and I served at the altar, standing next to the priest during the eucharist.

My call continues to be explored.

My fix

When I need relief, I don't turn to drugs. I turn to my pups. They are my fix.

Placement

Well, I am smack in the middle of discernment.

I have been placed at a different church to do different things and in essence to allow a priest that doesn't know me, to be able to evaluate me and give a final report at the end. I embrace this. While I don't think I will get to perform the serving duties like I've been accustomed to, it has been mentioned I might get the opportunity to preach.

I don't relish that but I welcome it because I know I need to. That is part of ordained ministry and I need to start figuring out if that part even remotely fits me.

So generally good news on that front.

We shall see.

Dog day

From the dog park this past Sunday.

New days

I am starting to emerge.

I have been staying with my sister the last few months. She caught me from falling into a crevasse, without her and her support, well, I think these past few months would have been quite a bit darker.

But, it is time to move on to the next phase. Time to re-establish myself. I am now looking at a place of my own. A small apartment, but somewhere I will be able to be myself, establish a new life, and almost more important than anything, be able to keep the dogs for several days at a time.

I feel like a phoenix beginning to rise from the ashes.

I am lucky and blessed. I have an incredibly strong support network.

Many are not nearly as blessed.

I am grateful.

I look forward to future days.

Current state

Much has been left unsaid.

My relationship with my partner has failed.

After almost 9 years it is over. For the last couple of months my life has been in turmoil.My heart aches for the loss of not him, but the companionship, the friend, the one person I knew would be there at the end of the day no matter what.

I am also removed from the dogs. Until I find my own place I can only see my pups sparingly. That hurts most of all.

All the good times, the trips, all of our friends, the Sunday lunches, walking to dinner, etc.

There are some positives to be had. My discernment process can now continue unabated. I am free from all the negative energy. Those two positives cannot be discounted, at all.

It's still hard.

Discernment updated

So today I had another meeting of my discernment committee. My previous meeting didn’t go so well in my opinion. Not sure if I had written anything about that before but let me summarize: I was very tired, in a bad place mentally and spiritually and I felt like some of the people on the committee were really drilling into me. Which is their purpose but it almost felt personal. I could feel myself getting defensive and being made to feel like I had to justify and explain myself, like I was being seriously questioned.

Fast forward to today. I had submitted my spiritual autobiography a couple of weeks ago. I was not happy with it, not happy at all. I dreaded submitting it, I wanted to rework it and make it better and better written. But I couldn’t bring myself to it. I think I dreaded the whole process, partly because of how I felt the previous meeting went. I almost was at the point of thinking ‘what’s the point?’ But, the very first things said to me were how much they enjoyed it. The head of the committee said I was a good writer. So right off the bat my ego was being stroked, I didn’t know what to think. So then the questions started and they were very mild this time, I think have the SA really helped them to understand me and where I was coming from. Just about every response I gave was greeted with enthusiasm. When I left the meeting I was actually beside myself, I was really happy and when I got to work I could barely sit still.

Tonight, here in a couple of hours I’m meeting Nancy and Becky for appetizers and drinks. I really am quite fond of them. We are going to talk about what we’re going to as a CCN group now that Morris is leaving. They have also expressed a desire to be there for me as I go through this process. I’m going to need them.

Given all that, I don’t know where this all stands. I feel things are on the positive side concerning the church part. Concerning Tom things are definitely on the very negative side. He just doesn’t get a whole lot of things. How to treat people, how to support someone feeling a life change. He’s content to drink all the time, watch tv and never do anything helpful or useful. Ok, that’s a bit harsh. But my emotions are a little raw right now.