Admitting pain

One of my biggest downfalls is acknowledging my pain to others. I know my pain. I can accept it and deal with it as much as I can. But, I have a horrible time telling others about it.
Perhaps it is pride.

I don't want to admit weakness.

I don't want others to see me cry.

Which is of course silly because I don't care if other people see me cry. I think it's just the spilling forth of the acknowledgment of whatever is going on. I don't want people to know I am struggling.

And right now, I am struggling.

Emotionally, psychologically, perhaps even spiritually.

Pondering for today

I often wonder how my life would have turned out had just even the slightest of different paths been taken. I'm sure others do this as well.
I'm not unhappy with where my life is, not at all. It is certainly presenting some challenges at the moment. But, any life is going to provide that. My path has been easier than a whole lot of other people and perhaps more difficult than some. In the end that aspect is a wash.
I have just been thinking about the effect each choice can have on our lives. How we interact with each other, how we conduct our lives. How we live out our relationship with God.

These may seem like big subjects but they are carried out on a daily basis in very small ways.

And these small ways can have a great impact on the twists and turns our lives can take.

Safe

While I continue to be conflicted, messed up, confused, stressed out (in the extreme) and generally think my life is a mess, I have this to remind me, I'm ok...

In a whirlwind

I am in a whirlwind. I can't be allowed any space for tranquility. On one hand that is ok. It keeps things from getting boring. On the other hand it can involve some stress.

I am job searching like crazy. I honestly don't have any reasonable expectations for a decent job to come my way anytime soon.

And I have my discernment process. Very stressful I will say, at least in some ways. Very joyful in others. And it is this process that continues to save me.

If I didn't have this process to go through, as stressful and lifechanging as it can be, I'm not sure how I would emerge from this entire period of my life.

So, my calling is rescuing me again. I hope and pray it continues to lift me up out of the mire.

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Serving

My life seems to be a mess. The main reason is I know in the very near future, I will be without a job. But, things can always be worse.

The main focus for continues to be my discernment. I served at the Church of Resurrection this past Sunday. I carried the Gospel book and I served at the altar, standing next to the priest during the eucharist.

My call continues to be explored.

My fix

When I need relief, I don't turn to drugs. I turn to my pups. They are my fix.

Placement

Well, I am smack in the middle of discernment.

I have been placed at a different church to do different things and in essence to allow a priest that doesn't know me, to be able to evaluate me and give a final report at the end. I embrace this. While I don't think I will get to perform the serving duties like I've been accustomed to, it has been mentioned I might get the opportunity to preach.

I don't relish that but I welcome it because I know I need to. That is part of ordained ministry and I need to start figuring out if that part even remotely fits me.

So generally good news on that front.

We shall see.